


Oceans of Stars

by TARDISprise



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/F, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Lesbians in Space, Me making up tons of medical jargon, Medical Procedures, No Lesbians Die, Slow Build, Star Trek References, me making up android science, me making up betazoid science, me making up dance moves, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:21:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21646723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TARDISprise/pseuds/TARDISprise
Summary: Working on Starfleet's flagship is nothing short of demanding. When Beverly feels overwhelmed, the comfort of a close friend turns into something more. Now, she must learn to cope with her feelings and work, keeping them in balance through the trials and tribulations of space exploration.
Relationships: Beverly Crusher/Deanna Troi
Comments: 37
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

Beverly felt her mouth quiver as Yar’s form faded into the holographic background of sky. Tears had been streaming silently down her pale cheeks for some time, and she stared straight ahead, her chest heaving with deep breaths. She had tried to convince herself it wasn’t her fault, and that Armus had already killed Yar before she even made it to sick bay. But the incredible guilt stood on her chest like a goliath. She could have saved Yar, couldn’t she?

_ No,  _ she told herself,  _ she was beyond my help.  _ She remembered the neural jumpstarts she had tried and a small sob escaped her throat, a low groan emanating as she put her hand to her chest. She looked around, searching for Deanna. Deanna had been...they had always been close, friends from the first day, but lately, the comfort Deanna brought her under times of stress was something Beverly wanted to drink in for eternity.

Deanna could always sense her feelings, it seemed, and always sat with her on her off time, reassuring her with words and smiles, occasionally radiating feelings of serenity. Beverly saw her leave with Riker, and felt an unjustifiable pang of jealousy. She wanted to be Riker, to drape an arm around Deanna and hug her close as they grieved together. But she couldn’t. But oh, these desires coincided with ones that Beverly had been trying to hide from her mind for months. Desires to be that close to Deanna, to kiss her. To wake up before a hard shift and receive her smile. 

She cleared her throat as if someone could hear her thoughts.  _ What are you doing? Tasha has just died. You can’t start anything...and besides, she would not want it. It is unprofessional. And...it is just useless lust. You don’t love her. She is Riker’s anyways.  _ She sniffled and wiped her eyes, shuffling out of the special holodeck, the doors closing on Yar’s grave feeling like a crushing finality. She felt dazed as the turbolift took her to her quarters, and she sat on the bed, trying to wrap her head around it all. 

_ It’s your fault. _ Beverly felt sobs closing her throat and curled up, trying in vain to stop tears.  _ It’s your fault. She died because you were not quick enough. Or smart enough. And Deanna could have died too, yet you were useless when you were needed. _ Beverly moaned in pain, remembering how Armus let only her communicate with Deanna, and before she could be of use, Picard jumped in.  _ And you failed to saved Tasha. Your friend. You are a failure. Deanna would never want to be with someone like you anyways. And do you want to..BE with her? Or is this...what is this?  _ Beverly sniffled, her throat choked up as she sobbed harder. 

She had tried to deny it, but she had known for a while. As she lay there, tears soaking her skin, she knew. She has known it all along, she supposed, knowing all the tell tale signs. She lived for workouts with Deanna, for seeing her smile, for beaming down with her and watching her in action. And it didn’t help that Deanna was gorgeous, curls of black hair, sparkling gems, and those damned V-neck uniforms. Beverly longed to be that young again, loathing how she must look to Deanna: a single mother, older than Deanna, split ends in her red hair, lines starting to show on her face, sweat staining her hair and uniform whenever Deanna came and she was on duty. 

And God, was that distracting. Deanna was obviously monitoring the emotional stability of all the doctors, it being a hard position, but Beverly found herself blushing severely, red burning her pale cheeks and flustering whenever Deanna tried to talk to her. Beverly buried her head in her hands and groaned again. At this point, Deanna probably already knew how she felt. Beverly still was scared, terrified. What if Deanna didn’t feel the same? What if they started something and they had to end it, causing tension among the officers? And...Beverly sighed, turning over and curling up sideways.  _ You love her. _ She hasn’t known love like this since...since the whole messy Jean-Luc and Jack situation. 

But she knew it was love.  _ Stop it, Beverly. Tasha has died. You should be grieving, not...fantasizing. Not...lusting. Deanna will be stricken. You cannot bother her...or yourself.  _ Beverly resigned herself to continuing to block out these thoughts around Deanna. What she needed was a proper mind, and that came with sleep. Beverly pulled off her blue coat and draped it over her chair, before peeling off her uniform to reveal a tight black tank top and black briefs. 

For a woman so organized, she smiled wondering what her crew would think of her sleeping so bare, not in standard night clothing for the ship. She has bumped into Picard and Data at night, both of them clad in standard pajamas for the ship. She throws on her pair when she goes out for warm milk or a walk, but she prefers to sleep with little on, feeling it helps her relax and get away from the whole strictness of the ship, helps her fall asleep, albeit to pictures of Deanna in her mind. 

Sleep, however, did not come that night, and Beverly found herself crying again, staring at the ceiling as she lay flat on her back, shaking as she sobbed for Tasha...and for Deanna. Or the lack of her. Her tears were drying when her computer beeped from her door. She swallowed heavily and said, “Yes?” “It’s Jean-Luc.” Beverly felt a ghost of a smile before realizing she was in her undergarments, and she scrambled for a robe to tie over her frame as she said, “Come in.”

Picard’s solemn figure slid in, registering Beverly’s mussed hair and tear stained cheeks, her eyes almost as red as her hair, puffy and glistening. “Oh, Beverly. You must have taken this hard.” Beverly stood there, awkward. While any romance between them had long faded, the thoughts she had been having about Deanna left her in a somewhat flustered mood, and she, despite the chaos in her brain, was trying to maintain professionalism for her captain. Picard reached out, stroking her arm, and Beverly broke, collapsing into his embrace, sobs racking his body with hers. “It’s…..it’s my fault she died, I was useless, and I couldn’t save her, and I must seem….” Her voice cracked and she coughed, choking on tears. 

Picard opened his mouth to comfort her, but Beverly continued, gasping, “And when Armus let me talk to Deanna? All I wanted to tell her was that I was there, and that she had someone who loved her, but I….” Beverly’s voice died when she realized what she had revealed. She froze against Picard, letting tears trickle out slowly. “Beverly...” She did not respond, avoiding his eyes, and he commanded more sternly, “Beverly.” She glanced up, and his face had a smile, which irritated her. “Did you say you loved Deanna?” Beverly felt that revealing blush creeping onto her pale skin, so she turned and sat on her bed, glancing at her feet. “I love everyone, Jean-Luc, platonically, of course... you, Data, Geordi, all of you...all I meant was in that moment to show her that she…” 

She stopped as Jean-Luc sank onto the mattress, gazing at her intently. “Beverly, I know you the best on this ship, I would say, save for Deanna herself. I can tell that...there is something you are feeling deeply for Deanna, something that makes you flustered around her, whether it be in sickbay, on the bridge, or on missions, from what Data has told me.” Beverly prickled with shame knowing Data was sharing this, but she sighed heavily and said, “Jean-Luc….I have never fallen for somebody this hard. I...try to stop myself from loving her, she is a woman that works with me and I don’t think she would ever feel the same, and she is so young and she loves Riker and it’s...I’m scared of hurting her in some way.” 

Beverly felt a rush of clarity after revealing the truth, and she wiped her eyes desperately, trying to calm herself. Picard was stunned into silence, his musings confirmed but not in the way that he expected. “Beverly….I think all of those worries are not ones that are rational. I mean, is it really a problem she’s a woman?” Beverly shook her head, but whispered, “Wes doesn’t know that….that I’m a lesbian. I’m worried he’ll think I’m abandoning his father somehow.” Picard shook his head, whispering, “No, Beverly...no. I know that we both will never forget Jack.”

Beverly nodded, and Picard continued, “And as for her being a co-commander...that is harder, but I feel that if you feel it can’t interrupt the ship operations, it is permissible. And as for age, I wouldn’t be too harsh on us oldies, Beverly.” Beverly chuckled lightly and sniffled, tears abated for now. “I would talk to her.” Beverly nodded, her thoughts distant and focused on Deanna, how she would react. She didn’t see Picard leave, and sat on her bed until the beginning of her next shift, lost.


	2. Chapter 2

Deanna’s head was spinning. The overwhelming grief she was feeling from all of the crew members as they watched Yar image fade away was crushing. She couldn’t find breath, starting to quietly hyperventilate as everyone’s grief flooded her. Suddenly, a wash of dizziness came over her and in her mind’s eye she saw Beverly, crying over Yar’s body in sickbay. Beverly tried to jump start her brain and heart, failing over and over. Deanna fell against Riker as the image faded, leaving her reeling.

She realized that she must be feeling Beverly’s emotion at that moment, but why so strong? The feelings of others were usually just feelings, but Beverly’s were so strong that they created images of grief, almost personal memories from Beverly’s head. She realized this wasn’t the first time this had happened either. She had always felt dizzying surges whenever Beverly was feeling something strongly, and she usually had to close her eyes and try to close Beverly out with mental force. _But what is causing such strong projection? You haven’t felt a connection like that since….Will._ Deanna shook her head, but grief filled her head before she could follow that train of thought.

Tears trickled down her face and she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. Deanna hoped it was Beverly, but saw that it was Riker, smiling sympathetically at her. Deanna blushed at her hope and let Riker lead her away. As they left, she felt a surge of new emotions: jealousy, longing...desire. She realized their source and turned, catching Beverly watching her leave, tears streaming down her pale cheeks, and she felt a newfound pang of guilt as Riker leading her forward made her turn away, focusing on the path back to her quarters.

When she was alone she sat on her bed, breathing hard. Now that she was away and her crew members were on their own, she let go of some of their grief, letting their feelings ebb away slowly. She leaned back, her mind racing. What had happened with Beverly was nothing new-over the past months, Beverly’s feelings had somehow leached into her brain, staying there even when she shut her mind off. Usually they were nothing abnormal, but Deanna had endured spikes of stress when Lore attacked Wesley, among other things...but when the virus infected the ship and they were all intoxicated...the one thing in her mind she had been sure about was her desire to touch Beverly, to see her naked in her quarters.

When that disease hit, Riker had taken her to sick bay, and when Beverly examined her, she felt surges of desire coming from the redhead. She had been so close to acting on her feelings when she saw Picard in the door. She had reasoned that to be the cause of Beverly’s desire, and reasoned her own desires to be from the disease. But now, as she cried in her quarters, the grief of Tasha’s death weighing on her, she knew that wasn’t the whole truth.

Beverly’s feelings being so present in her mind must mean that she was forging some emotional bond. Whether she liked it or not, something was drawing her soul closer to Beverly’s. And Deanna thought she knew what it was. She had been making excuses to see Beverly more and more often lately, and the fact that the Enterprise wasn’t short of trouble meant that Picard would believe her when she said she needed to sense the emotional stability of the medical officers.

Arriving in sickbay, however, usually meant she watched Beverly from the door, watched her red hair fly as she ran from patient to patient, causing this tickling feeling in her stomach that wasn’t helped by the fact that Beverly always glanced at her, smiling with her cheeks flushed. Deanna had to make herself stop visiting, because she knew she was being distracting and besides, she usually felt embarrassment from the crowd whenever she visited the sickbay. It could be, and sometimes was, from learning nurses who were scared of command or from patients with physical conditions, but Deanna sometimes felt that she was embarrassing Beverly, and soon she stopped her visits.

Deanna sighed and wiped her eyes. _This...connection. You love her._ Sitting there, admitting it, made Deanna smile, but then sigh. Beverly constantly feeling embarrassed around her...she probably hated that Deanna visited her so much, probably thought she was annoying. _And besides, she’s straight. She has Jean-Luc, she had Jack._ Suddenly, a flash of dizziness hit her and her head spun, forcing her to lie down to try and calm herself. Across her mind, an image burned of Beverly, lying on her back in her quarters. Deanna felt her cheeks redden seeing that she could only see Beverly a tight black tank top, but it passed when devastating grief hit her. She barely noticed that she was yelling Beverly’s name, crying out for her as Beverly’s grief hit her, grief mixed with guilt and...fear, jealousy, the image in her mind showing Beverly sobbing by herself, and Deanna realized that this wasn’t just feelings...it was like a live feed, a projection of current events. The loud beep of her door frame computer broke her stupor, but before she could invite the person in, they came anyways.

“Counsellor Troi. I heard you yelling and did not understand why, so I have come to assess your safety.” The calming voice of their golden android was something Deanna didn’t know she needed, but she smiled and wiped her tears as Data sat in a chair across from her bed. “Counsellor, you seem to be under significantly more emotional distress than you usually are, or that you are allowed to be with your position.” Deanna cleared her throat and said, “Thanks Data, but I really-” “In addition, you were yelling the name of Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher. Is there a reason you were naming her in particular?” Deanna sighed, knowing there was no way out of this.

Being the Counsellor, she often didn’t have people to talk to about her problems. She supposed out of everyone, Data would not share what he heard. She didn’t distrust, exactly, her crew members, but human error was always a factor in letting something slip, and besides, Data would be able to find a logical solution to the confusing feelings that had plagued Deanna the past few months.

“Data, I was yelling her name because there were these...images in my mind of Beverly’s emotions. It was like I could see her emotions, how she was feeling them. It might have even been live feedback.”  
“But, Counsellor, Betazoids do not typically receive this much empathic information.”  
Deanna sighed heavily, pulling her hair from its tight bun. “I know, Data. I think...I think it’s because my own feelings towards Beverly are changing.”

Data nodded and said, “That concurs with accumulated data in my sensor banks from the past few Stardates.” Deanna’s mouth fell open and she stuttered, “You-your...I’m sorry, what do you mean?” Data tilted his head to the side and said, “Whenever you and Beverly are around each other, both of you encounter increased heart rate, skin pigmentation increase, stuttering even though you are both very literate, and decreased eye contact.” Deanna felt that very skin pigmentation increase and said, “And you believe what from these conclusions?” She already knew what he would say, but wanted to hear a blunt opinion.

“Your human half is exhibiting typical behaviors of a human with an infatuation. I infer this to be because Beverly is human, and you want to be able to relate to that more.” Deanna tugged on her curls, uncomfortable. “Data, you...you seem to have put words to my feelings, even if they are fairly straight-forward.” Data nodded and for once did not speak as he waited for Deanna to continue. “Data...I think that I am falling in love with Beverly. It confuses me because her emotional readings do not give me anything but embarrassment, shame, and fear. I think...I intimidate her.” Data interlocked his fingers and said, “Counsellor, I think the best course of action would be to talk to Beverly. She is not empathic like you are, and therefore cannot tell what you think. Deanna chuckled and murmured, “I am aware of this, Data.”

Data smiled slightly and said, “Deanna, why are you afraid? It is not like you.” Deanna exhaled and leaned back, closing her eyes. “So many reasons, Data. My mother has never really been the type to..break tradition. Beverly has feelings for Jean-Luc. She has a son who might not want another mother figure in his life. She is a co-commander and it would create issues if we...were to…” Deanna trailed off at the thought of hurting Beverly, and she felt tears prickling her eyes, which she pressed fingers against to stifle. “I don’t want to hurt her, because last time I tried to have a human Imzadi...with Will....it didn’t end well.” Data nodded and stood, approaching her. “I think an appropriate action would be a hug.” Deanna smiled and let Data pull her up and into a warm embrace, his golden surfaces hotter than human skin.

She felt better after getting it all out in the open air, and decided not to peruse his logical mind for solutions. She was a grown-up, she could handle this on her own. Besides, Data might be too blunt, too...analytical. She needed to gage Beverly’s feelings, maybe over dinner. She sighed against his chest and said, “I suppose as Counsellor I cannot always tell when I myself need counseling. Thank you.” Data nodded and pulled away, he golden eyes searching her weary face. “Glad to be of assistance, Counsellor.” He pivoted to leave, leaving Deanna stuck still. She stared at the doors that closed behind him, her mind whirling with thoughts of a possible...future with Beverly. She stood there until her eyelids drooped, and she resigned herself to bed with pangs of the crew’s sadness echoing in her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long! Improvisation is my style, so I loosely follow a basic outline. I hope you enjoyed, I don't have school soon so I can really write more. Leave anything in the comments! Thank you for taking time to read. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! A bit longer than the others, but I was really in the zone.

Beverly woke to a headache that felt as if it was cleaving into her skull. She knew it to be from sobbing herself to sleep after Picard left, and quickly pulled out a hypospray from her drawer to calm down the throbbing. She rubbed her eyes and ran her fingers through her ratty red hair. A shower seemed to be in order, and she had exactly 17 minutes before alpha shift started. Not ideal, but she could manage. After a quick shower and a fresh uniform and lab coat, she hopped in the turbolift and headed off to sick bay. It was quiet upon her arrival, and the stand-in doctor quietly left with a smile. Beverly checked in the status of a minor burn victim from an engineering accident, and then walked into the next room. There sat Yar’s biobed, the neuro jumpstart and slight stains of blood still lying on the cloth.  _ Why wasn’t this cleaned up? _ Beverly ran her fingers over the surface of the bed, which still showed Yar’s final stats before death. Beverly felt tears brimming in her eyes and swallowed hard, clearing the surface as she tried to stifle memories of yesterday.

In the turbolift, Deanna stumbled to the side and clung to the railing as a wall of grief washed over her briefly.  _ Beverly. _ No images accompanied the feeling this time, but it still created a churning in her gut.  _ She’s taking this hard. Pursuing your feelings is not the right move. She doesn’t need something else to think about on top of everything. _ Deanna stated, “Sickbay,” and felt a slight jolt as the turbolift changed its course. The doors opened onto a quiet sickbay, the beginning of alpha shift often void of nurses. She rounded the corner and saw Beverly sitting criss cross on the ground, leaning against the base of a biobed. 

Deanna cleared her throat and Beverly looked up, her cheeks pinking as she wiped her tears. “D-Deanna. I was just…” Deanna smiled and held out her arms, and the lanky redhead collapsed into her, burying her face in Deanna’s shoulder. Deanna felt tears of her own trickle down her face as she sensed Beverly’s grief, but when she moved to stroke Beverly’s back, a jumble of feelings cluttered her readings. Guilt, confusion...affection. She inhaled, catching the sweet smell of Beverly’s still moist hair. She smiled, a small tingling feeling in her stomach, when she realized that sniffing her co-officer was somewhat creepy.

In Deanna’s arms, Beverly let herself go. She sobbed and sobbed, crying for her lost companion who didn’t even know she was dying, but was just being loyal. She nestled her face against the fabric of Deanna’s uniform, any feelings gone as her mind was blank. She sniffed and swallowed when she felt Deanna’s long fingers tracing a trail along her back, running up and down her uniform in an effort to comfort. However, all the touch did was make tingles erupt all over her skin, and she felt her cheeks prickle with warmth. She wanted Deanna to keep touching her, and she ever so slightly arched her back into Deanna’s fingers, pressing them against her spine. She let out a small sigh, her hair blowing out of her face. 

She then realized that they were in sick bay, and anyone could watch, and that Yar was still dead and gone, and that she was a failure at her position, and that Deanna could probably read her desire, and she stumbled back, confused. She swallowed heavily and didn’t meet Deanna’s eyes, wiping her tears desperately. “Beverly…” Deanna wished the ginger would meet her eyes, wanting to look into the deep blue again, but Beverly was glancing away.  _ Maybe she does feel the same. That, or you just crossed a physical boundary. _ “I think you still need to talk about….Yar’s passing.” 

“You don’t need to schedule me, I need to be here in sickbay and you have limited appointment time and-” “Beverly. I’m saying this as a friend, not as part of my job. I want to be here for you. Please, meet me for dinner?” Beverly felt her heart escalate its pace as she finally looked up, Deanna’s deep dark eyes crinkled as she smiled. _Maybe you can tell Deanna then. Or at least...see if there’s chemistry?_ _You can’t avoid her forever, she’ll detect it with her powers anyways._ She smiled slightly and said, “Okay, Deanna. Tonight in Ten Forward?” Deanna’s smile seemed to shine brighter.

“I will meet you at your quarters. Now, I really must go, I am late.” Beverly smiled wider and shooed her away with a graceful wave, saying, “See you tonight, Dee.” Deanna hoped that Beverly couldn’t see the blush on her cheeks as she heard the nickname.

\-------------------------------------------

Deanna stood in her quarters, clothes forming monstrous piles around her. She had managed to get an appointment cancelled, and had used the full fifty minutes deciding nothing. Her uniform felt too stern, her dresses too formal. She paced back and forth in her underwear, her wet curls hidden under a towel turban. Nothing seemed right. She knew this was just a platonic get together, but every last inch of her wanted to impress Beverly, to prove…. _ What exactly? To prove I’m hot? Why am I dressing up for her?  _ Deanna sighed and leaned against her counter, when inspiration struck. She went to her trunk and pulled out a dusty piece of fabric, unfolding it before her.

An ankle length jumpsuit, with a plain black long sleeve bodice that had a significant v-cut. This was directly attached to flared black pants dotted with sparkling roses. She unzipped the back and slid in, contorting to zip herself into it before standing in front of the mirror. The jumpsuit hugged her curves much like her normal uniform, except the pants were looser below her thighs and had a nice flare. The bodice slimmed her, and the v-neck wasn’t as low as it had appeared, revealing the tops of her breasts but nothing more.  _ That’s honestly preferable. I don’t want to...make her think I’m some kind of sex driven woman.  _ Deanna chuckled, knowing that wasn’t entirely true, but she knew it wasn’t the purpose of the night. She inspected the faded writing that said, AB RC OM IE AND FI CH. She smiled at herself, grateful for that abandoned Earth colony mission.

As Deanna made her way to the family level where Beverly and Wesly lived, she tried not to think about her feelings for Beverly. Her anticipation was double strength, which she knew to be hers and the readings from Beverly. She knew this was just a dinner to calm Beverly down, but she knew that she hoped, somehow, she could figure out Beverly’s stance on dating currently. She took a deep breath before pushing the chime, hearing the personalized tune go off inside her quarters-a short, 5 note Irish flute melody. She smiled, but her mouth dropped open when Beverly opened the door. It was, in essence, her uniform, just...prettier. A powder blue babydoll dress that matched her eyes, a black cardigan draped over her shoulders, knee high black leather boots, and her hair fuller than ever.  _ She’s...gorgeous.  _ Deanna blushed deeply realizing she had just heard Beverly’s thoughts, and saw the blush mirror on Beverly’s skin. 

“Bev...time off does you well.” Beverly laughed and stepped into the hall, her eyes gleaming with excitement. Deanna looked ravishing in her jumpsuit, and Beverly couldn’t wait to just...escape.

In Ten Forward, after settling in with drinks, Deanna turned more grave as she said, “Beverly...you seem to be experiencing this loss the hardest. I just want...to give you a space to let it out.” Beverly traced the rim of her glass absent-mindedly and sighed, her eyes not focused on Deanna. “When Jack was on the brink of death, I was in that position. Looking down on him as I desperately tried to do anything…” Tears started to trickle down her pale cheeks and she continued, “anything to save him. I had to watch as his body went limp in my arms. It tore me apart. I took a hiatus from everything, and it was only because of Jean-Luc that I even started to serve again.” Deanna flinched at the mention of the potential flame and said, “So you feel like you are a failure.” Beverly nodded silently as her tears increased in volume, and Deanna panicked, saying, “I didn’t mean it like that, Beverly, I was just trying to figure out your thoughts. You are the most talented woman I have ever known.” 

Beverly shook her head, and Deanna scooched her chair around, her thigh brushing Beverly’s. “I mean it, Beverly, you think fast, you keep a level head when I get stress readings from everyone else, and your compassion for life is greater than any I have seen, and I’m part Betazoid.” Beverly glanced at Deanna, whose face was inches away. She chuckled and said, “Dee, you flatter me.” Deanna shrugged, and Beverly took a deep breath before saying, “Deanna, you inspire me in ways I never could have imagined.” She found herself leaning in and she said, “You care deeply for everyone, and you know what everyone needs.” Deanna felt her heart racing, but Beverly pulled away and gestured to the room around them. “Only you could have known that this was exactly the break I needed. Honestly, since Jack died, I’ve just shut myself in with my work and Wesley, and never let myself have a chance with anyone!”

Deanna smirked and said, “Well, do you want that to change?” She felt Beverly’s emotion shift deeply. There was nothing but affirmation and desire, and she looked up, a little shocked, and met Beverly’s ice blue eyes that were staring at her. “I do. But...I don’t know how to start.” Deanna’s lips parted slightly, her stomach hot and tingly.  _ This is it. Just...tell her. Let it out.  _ She felt Beverly’s emotions shift into longing, anticipation, and she took a deep breath, her head swirling. She took Beverly’s hand, and she felt tingles on her fingers. Beverly laced her pale hand with Deanna’s, and Deanna could only hear her heart rushing in her ears. “Bev…” The shriek of a red alert streaked into the room, the lights flashing red and the klaxon wailing. Beverly pulled her communicator from her cardigan pocket, and Deanna felt a rush of pity as she realized how truly attached to her job Beverly was.

_ “Doctor Crusher, we need you on the bridge.”  _ Beverly cleared her throat and pulled her hand from Deanna’s, leaving Deanna’s fingers cold on the table. “I”m so sorry, Dee, so sorry. I...I really had a great dinner. I...let’s continue this some other time.” She bustled out of Ten Forward, leaving Deanna with the wails of the red alert. Beverly had said  _ Continue this, _ not “have dinner again.” Was she ready to admit her feelings? Deanna wanted Beverly to be ready, and not push her into anything just because she could read her emotions. She stared at the tablecloth, a smile still on her face as she lingered on the feeling of Beverly’s hand in hers. She was craving more skin contact when the loudspeakers announced, “ _ Counsellor Troi to bridge.”  _ Deanna realized she had left her communicator in her quarters, and pushed thoughts of Beverly away as she rushed to the turbo lift. She knew she would see the redhead again, soon. For now, duty called.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you enjoyed! I should be updating once a week, maybe twice. Anything welcome in the comments!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this does have some descriptions of blood, in case that makes you squeamish. Hope y'all enjoy!

“ We received this transmission earlier.” Picard’s stern voice rang across his ready room, the crew looking up at him expectantly. Somehow, Deanna was sitting comfortably in her uniform, leaving Beverly the lone wolf, still in the clothing from her... _ Not date, exactly. But I wish it was.  _ Realizing where she was and that Deanna could probably still sense her thoughts if she wanted, she shook her head slightly and pulled her cardigan tighter around her shoulders, gazing at the screen.

A distorted outline of a fish-like creature crackled with static and said, “You have trespassed into our zone of healing. Leave, or we will be forced to act.” The viewer shut off, and the Captain turned to Deanna. 

Beverly turned with the rest to look at her friend.  _ Crush? Flame?  _ Beverly had an internal debate as she watched Deanna posit her theory about the alien’s intentions. Her dark, deep eyes had hardened with business, and the hands that were just holding hers were now laced in front of her. Beverly shivered slightly as she remembered the feeling of their fingers intertwining, how the touch alone had sent chills all over her yet at the same time, tickled her core with heat. 

She lamented the fact that it had ended so abruptly, but she had made sure to tell Deanna she wanted more. She was still wary, wary of hurting Deanna, but after Deanna had complimented her and held her hand, enveloping her long fingers, she craved even one minute more alone with Deanna. She shivered again, slightly nervous for the encounter ahead.

Picard frowned at her and broke her thoughts with his carrying voice, saying, “Doctor Crusher. You probably wouldn’t be as chilly if you had your proper uniform.” 

Beverly felt her cheeks burning and dropped her head in shame, knowing that her pale skin revealed any coloration. She could feel all the eyes on the crew dart to her, and didn’t look up, her fingers clutching her dress in her lap. She hunched her shoulders even more, her hair falling forward and tickling her forehead and cheeks. Data started to expand upon species matches, and she felt the attention shift away from her. She was furious on the inside. 

_ I got here right away, didn’t I? And I was on break, but did my job reporting right away for a red alert even though I was taking earned rest time. And he goes and insults me in front of everyone?  _

She glanced up and met Deanna’s eyes, staring at her. She felt a smile tug on her lips as Deanna flashed her a warm, beaming one. 

Watching her Captain call Beverly out, Deanna felt a little rise of frustration, especially seeing Beverly ducking her head, letting her crimson hair fall over her face. She could feel waves of embarrassment from the ginger, and some embarrassment from Picard as well. Maybe he regretted it, which Deanna hoped was the case, because Beverly didn’t deserve to be singled out in such a way.

Beverly peeked out from behind her waves of hair and Deanna sent her a reassuring smile, feeling her stomach tingle as she saw that adorable little blush on Beverly’s cheeks. She loved when Beverly’s skin did that, her ivory skin burning into a delicate, rosy red whenever she got a little flustered or happy, which Deanna was happy to say happened often around her. She grinned, imagining little flirtatious things to say to Beverly to make that flush reappear.

“The species must be the Florigatens. They have made incredible progress in blood work, and the ‘healing zone’ they refer to must be the sanctuary they have built in order to provide a blood strengthening serum. Developed in the 22nd century, the serum contains potassium, sodium, argentum, be--”

“Thank you Data, we understand your point. Why, however, are they so protective of this sanctuary when all we have done is enter the airspace near their planet?”

Deanna opened her mouth to answer when the view screen crackled on and the fish man said, “You have not left. Face the true reliance you have on blood.” 

The screen went dark, and immediately, a scream came from the bridge. The crew rushed out to see one of the security officers contorting on the ground. Blood was streaming out from her eyelids, and she was holding her chest, coughing.

The crew looked on, horrified, but Beverly dropped straight to her knees next to the officer and grabbed a medkit from the storage. She ran her scanner over the body, intently looking at the screen. Deanna was fascinated with the Doctor now as she worked. Beverly had fear, but her overwhelming compassion and determination were much stronger than her fear. She was able to just let go, and do what she needed to do. She glanced up, her cheeks flushed still with stress, and her eyes hardened.

“It’s like the blood is being controlled. It’s filling her heart and leaking out of punctured arteries. I can give a clotting solution down in sickbay, but if this affects anyone else, I might not have enough to save them unless I can increase the potency. ” 

Riker nodded and stepped to the intercom, stating, “All decks, report health status.” Beverly nervously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear as a cacophony of voices said, 

“We have 3 collapsed with blood coming from their eyes--Commander, we have 4 catatonic from blood loss--Engineering reports 2 heart attacks--” 

Beverly paced back and forth, her mind racing. She looked up at Deanna and her eyes were filled with terror. One officer she could handle. On this scale? She could handle it, but the looming knowledge that she didn’t quite know what was the cause lingered in her brain. She felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped, turning to see Deanna. 

Deanna let her fingers linger slightly longer than usual, and she felt her hand tingle as she removed the contact. She felt Beverly’s fear grow larger, still not as commandeering as her determination but still present. She said, 

“Beverly, I am positive that you will fix this.” 

_ Positive. Of course! _ “Oh, Deanna, thank you!” Beverly grinned and pulled Deanna into a hug before Picard cleared his throat, and they quickly separated. 

Deanna felt a putty sensation in her stomach, from just the short embrace. She stood to the side, staring ahead vacantly and smiling. Beverly had turned to the Captain and said, 

“The Florigatens are probably targeting by blood type. As you know, our blood types emit almost undetectable, slight differences in scent and pattern. With their advanced work, they can pinpoint and attack those emissions.” She looked down at her tricorder and tapped it a few times before saying, “Officer Delano has a blood type of AB negative.” She strode to the intercom and said, “All decks, this is Doctor Crusher. Please send any affected personnel to sickbay immediately.” 

Beverly said, “If I’m right, and this is targeted by blood type, then we need all officers with a blood type of…” She trailed off suddenly, leaving the crew looking at her expectantly. Deanna felt a dizzying amount of fear overwhelm her mind, and she clung to the wall for balance as she watched tears forming in Beverly’s eyes.

“Wes.” 

The whisper was barely audible, but to Deanna it seemed like Beverly was screaming in anguish, all of the darkest feelings possible leaching into her head. 

“Pardon me, Doctor?” Riker asked, and Beverly cleared her throat, saying, “I just remembered that my son has that blood type. I need to get to sickbay.” 

She nodded at security personnel to carry Officer Delano away, and then followed, the doors closing on her anguished face.

Deanna watched her go, her head throbbing slightly. All around her, the anxiety of the crew was growing, swelling like a tick. She took deep breaths as the crew scattered to their stations. Picard instructing Data to open hailing with the Florigatens, Worf calling escort teams to various locations to help incapacitated crew, Riker talking with Geordi in hushed tones about the capability of their ships if it came to firepower. Deanna settled into her seat on the bridge, but she was completely distracted. 

She felt escalating fear, fear that made her eyes well up with tears, fear that made her hands shake. Suddenly, a wash of grief overpowered her, forcing her to close her eyes to stop herself from getting too dizzy. Like a firecracker, pain and anguish bubbled and then burst, leaving fear that kept climbing. She knew what the bursting sensation meant, and managed to murmur, “Captain. Officer Delano is dead.” 

The Captain nodded at her gravely, knowing how it must have felt to have someone’s emotion readings disappear. He turned to Data and said, 

“Data. Double time on opening hailing.”

Data nodded when a sickening feeling made Deanna’s gut churn, and she had to close her eyes again, leaning against her chair. She saw Beverly kneeling over Officer Delano in the turbolift as it sped towards sickbay. Beverly was cradling her lifeless body, blood staining her pale arms and fingers. Grief made Deanna physically ache in her chest, and she was barely able to acknowledge that this was not happening to her own self, that she was really on the bridge and was just... _ In Beverly’s head? _

Deanna still did not understand how she could get emotions so strong they became images, but she watched as someone on the security team held Beverly’s uniform out for her to take. Beverly was wiping tears from her eyes, leaving red marks on her cheeks, and she stayed kneeling until the turbolift doors opened to sickbay. Deanna felt a sense of urgency and compassion flood her again, and impressively, the grief started to diminish as she and Beverly together saw all the officers crowded into sickbay that needed her help. As the grief and image faded, one last spike of terror panged through Deanna.

Finally, the image completely disappeared, leaving Deanna on the bridge. Luckily, no one had noticed it, and she wiped away tears that had started to form before they could fall.

_ Beverly must be terrified of Wesley dying. _ There had been no more deaths had come from the attack yet, but Deanna was worried as she watched Data and Picard, unable to hail the creatures on any frequency.

\-------------------------------------

Beverly stood in the turbolift anxiously, calming down Officer Delano and telling her to breathe, just breathe. Her only clotting solutions were in sickbay, and she had desperately tried to stop the bleeding with pieces of cloth, but it was no use, and her arms, hands, and the bottoms of her rolled-up sleeves were stained red all over. Suddenly, Officer Delano stumbled, her breathing becoming more ragged and harsh.

Beverly grabbed her arms to steady her, but she was falling, and Beverly just managed to ease her to the ground. She was coughing, choking on blood, and Beverly grabbed a filtration tube from her medkit, but it was too late. 

“Tell…..tell the Captain it was an honor.” Beverly nodded, tears filling her eyes, as Officer Delano went still in her arms. 

“No...please, no…” Beverly saw her uniform dangling in the corner of her eye but ignored it, closing Officer Delano’s eyes as her tears started to fall, making small circular water stains on her dress. She held Officer Delano’s head and took deep breaths. 

_ Doctors don’t cry. You didn’t fail. Just...promise there will be no more death.  _ “No more,” Beverly whispered, and she wiped her eyes dry as the turbolift stopped in sickbay. The doors opened to a mass of officers waiting, while her nurses ran around administering the clotting solution they always had. Blood was slicking the floors and staining clothes, hands, and beds. Beverly had never seen so much blood in her lifetime, and she grimaced, realizing the Florigatens were partly correct.  _ We do rely on blood, much more than we know. _

She turned to the security detail with her and took her uniform, saying, “There is no room for Officer Delano here right now. Lay her to rest in her quarters please.”

The security officers nodded and left, and she made her way into her office, shedding her blood and tear stained date outfit and sliding into her uniform. She threw her lab coat on, feeling a slight sense of comfort from the worn blue fabric. This lab coat had gotten her through thick and thin, and she felt more confident already with it on. 

She approached the head nurse and said, “How is everyone holding up?” The nurse blanched and said, “Once they get the clotting solution, the blood flow is hampered, but there is still a small flow, and we are running out of doses.” Beverly nodded, her fears confirmed. “Any deaths?” The nurse shook her head, and Beverly sighed in relief. “However, we have 2 officers being monitored for symptoms reaching the red zone.” Beverly nodded and went in the direction the nurse was pointing. These officers were top priority.

Upon reaching the beds, she felt slightly sick. One officer was from Engineering, and had a profuse nose bleed, with a slowing heartbeat. She felt tears well in her eyes as she realized that they would definitely die. The other one had blood on her face, but no fresh flow. Beverly realized that she was reacting to an allergen in the clotting solution, and berated herself.

_ How could you be so careless? You should have warned the nurses about all of the potential ingredients for allergies. _ Beverly went around the sickbay, but it was looking dire. She needed something new, and she ordered her nurses to continue administering the clotting solution until she came up with something. She made her way into her office and took a deep breath, steadying herself. She hadn’t seen Wesley in sick bay, and hoped maybe the Florigatens had spared the children, as she hadn’t seen any others in sickbay either. She had the computer pull up information on the Florigatens, but after wasting precious time scrolling through species makeup, she racked her brain.  _ What else can I search to find this? There has to be something. Please, something.  _ Beverly slumped on her desk, tears brimming in her eyes.  _ I can’t let everyone die.  _

\------------------------------------------

On the bridge, Deanna was transfixed in her chair, struggling to not break down and cry in front of inferior officers. She felt two more lives burst away, knowing that two officers had died. She reported these deaths to the captain, and saw his grim acknowledgement. The panic, fear, and sadness coming from sickbay filled her head like a storm, and she gripped her chair to steady herself as the officers reached climaxes of emotion she had never felt before.

She wished she could be more helpful, but she was near incapacitated with grief. She didn’t even register she had fallen off her chair when a new wall of grief slammed into her, and she was seeing Beverly again. Beverly was slumped in her office chair, tears staining her cheeks. She had changed into a fresh uniform, but Deanna winced seeing stains of blood on the blue fabric. Beverly was desperate...helpless. Deanna had never known her to faced with a problem she couldn’t solve, and it broker her heart to see Beverly reduced to this.

She felt herself reaching out with her mind, and thought,  _ but this should only work with Imzadi or another extremely strong emotional bond...if you’ve been embarassing Beverly like you have…. _ She interrupted those thoughts with a cry of effort, thinking,  _ Beverly, you can do this. Trust yourself. You are strong. I am with you. _ The force required made her exhausted, and the image of Beverly faded, returning her to the bridge.

She looked up to see Riker looming over her. “....ou alright? Deanna?” She realized she was on the ground, and everyone was looking at her. “I...I am receiving really strong emotional readings right now.” The crew nodded and returned back to their posts, leaving Riker looking at her. “Deanna, are you sure you are able to stay on the bridge?” Deanna swallowed heavily and nodded, shifting in her seat. The readings were still present, but after she had sent her thoughts, the readings had dulled slightly.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Beverly shuddered, trying stop herself from crying.  _ You aren’t solving anything like this. _ She sat upright, trying to calm herself. Suddenly, she felt a tingling sensation in her head, and a voice poured into her ears, whispering,  _ Beverly, you can do this. Trust yourself. You are strong. I am with you.  _ The voice faded, and Beverly blinked, stunned.  _ Deanna. How did she…? _ Beverly realized it wasn’t important at the moment. Deanna believed in her. And then, as if by magic, she remembered Data on the bridge, starting to list all the ingredients of the blood strengthening serum. She pressed her communicator and said, “Commander Data, report to sickbay.” 

“ _ On my way, Doctor,”  _ Data said, and Beverly got up, leaving her office. She rounded the corner, and stumbled in shock, clutching the wall as her stomach churned. Wesley and three other children were sitting on beds, blood pouring from different surfaces. She ran to them, taking Wesley’s hands in hers. “Mom? Mom! Mom, I feel so tired, I’m bleeding, I--” Beverly swallowed her tears as she saw the blood streaming from his ears, and said,

“Wes, I’m here. Please, stay calm, you’ll be okay…” She pressed a kiss to his forehead, and said, “Bring me the clotting solutions.” The nurse next to her shook her head slightly, saying, “We ran out.” Beverly felt her head spin, tears forming in her eyes.  _ No, no, no, not my son, please... _ Wesley, hearing them, said, “Mom, what’s wrong? You can’t save us?” Beverly sobbed and said, “I will save you, Wes.” She dropped his hands seeing Data, and strode over to him, her heart heavy as Wesley called, “Mom? Don’t leave….” 

She swallowed hard and said to Data, “Data. You were listing the ingredients of the blood strengthening solution. Do you think, if any of the ingredients have chemical opposites, we could create something that would weaken the blood enough to stop the outrageous flowing?”

Data nodded and said, “It is probable that your theory will prove effective.” Beverly managed to crack a smile and said, “Then can you please write out a list of all the ingredients?” Data nodded and began to flicker his eyes back and forth, scanning the ingredients of the original and finding their chemical opposites.

Beverly went into her office and grabbed a vial, adding ingredients from the replicator as they flashed across her computer. She took a deep breath and thought,  _ This is for you, Wesley. _ Once ready, she stepped into sickbay.

\----------------------

Deanna made her way down the hall, breathing deeply. It had been 5 hours since Beverly had created her solution, and the officers were all recovering, save for the 3 deaths that occurred. The funerals had been heavy, and Deanna could not ignore the grief coming from Beverly. She knew that they had to talk about….many things, but Deanna felt that again, a relationship wasn’t one of them.

The 5 note Irish flute tune rang out in her quarters, and Beverly opened the door. Deanna smiled, and Beverly smiled wearily. Deanna was about to ask to come in, when Beverly flung her arms around Deanna, sobbing into her shoulder before Deanna could say a word. Deanna felt elated that Beverly was this comfortable with her now, and she said,

“Oh, Bev....may I come in?” Beverly nodded, and stepped aside, letting her in. 

Deanna had never been in Beverly’s quarters, and stood in the entrance, looking around. Being a family unit, it was comprised of a central room with a low couch and a silver table surrounded by 4 chairs, a single succulent plant in the middle. A picture of the three Crushers hung above the couch, printed from a digital camera. Deanna felt guilty seeing Jack and Beverly smiling together, a small, toddler age Wesley in Beverly’s arms.

She managed to tear her eyes away from the photo. More photos of Wesley and Beverly lined the walls, and the floor around the table was covered with papers, both of Wesley’s schoolwork and more official looking documents. The door on the left was opened slightly, revealing Wesley fast asleep, a large cuff wrapped around one of his arms. A tiny square of plastic with a green W hung above the door. The door to the right had a tiny square of plastic with a blue B hanging above it. This door was closed, and Deanna felt a smile tug on her mouth imagining herself inside.

She realized, again, that this was not her purpose, and she turned to face Beverly, who was staring at Wesley through the open door. Her red hair was pulled back into a half ponytail, and her eyes were red and swollen, her cheeks flushed and wet. She had on a light lilac bathrobe, and was holding a mug of tea. 

“Beverly?” Deanna whispered, and Beverly turned, saying, “Sorry…” Deanna shook her head, saying, “Don’t apologize. How is he?” Beverly pressed a button to close the door and sunk into the couch, saying, “He was exhausted...I managed to give everyone a sort of...anti-drug to the Florigaten blood strengthener, making everyone’s blood too thin to escape the body anymore. Of course, thin blood makes you weaker, so everyone under its effects is asleep with a protein and iron supplement cuff.” She swallowed heavily, rubbing her eyes, and said, “Deanna...when you...spoke in my head, I felt...so reassured, like I could do anything.” Deanna’s stomach tingled, and Beverly looked up from her mug.

“Thank you so much for doing that, Dee. I...I didn’t want to fail again-” “Beverly. You are not a failure. You never will be.” Deanna hesitated, knowing other feelings that could interfere, but she opened her mouth anyway and said, “Come here.” She held out her arms, and the doctor scooched over, curling against Deanna’s stomach. Feeling Deanna’s stomach move with her breaths, Beverly let her tears go, crying silently as Deanna’s fingers found their way into her hair.

She sighed deeply and said, “This feels really good, Deanna….” Deanna blushed at her admission and sat in silence, both women content to be with each other. Deanna looked down at Beverly, who lay in her lap, tears running silently down her face. She wanted to say something, but for once was lacking words. What could she say to a woman who had nearly lost her son? A son that reminded Deanna of the previous person Beverly had been with. A man, a man who Beverly loved. She couldn’t interrupt this, could she? 

As she stroked Beverly’s red curls, she decided that she couldn’t try to start anything right now. Everything was too….messy. She felt tears brimming in her eyes, and wiped them away.  _ She needs time. _ After a while, Beverly sat up, tears dried on her face. “I think I should head to bed. Thank you for...everything.” Deanna nodded, and Beverly pulled her into a hug, causing her to swallow hard. “Of course, Beverly,” she whispered, and she pulled away, wiping tears again. “Goodnight,” she said, and she left, leaving Beverly alone in the central room. Beverly wiped her eyes and managed a smile, thinking of how good it felt to be in Deanna’s arms, just...lying there. It felt so right, and she decided that she had to talk to Deanna again.  _ Just tell her. Ask her to dinner again, and tell her. _ Beverly nodded to herself and made her way to her bedroom, falling asleep to thoughts of Deanna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment anything. More updates soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we go! Sorry this is short, school has resumed and it's harder to write full time. I hope you all enjoy!

“ _ Doctor Crusher, please report to the bridge immediately. There...there’s been a disturbance.”  _ Beverly groaned as the sharp voice of Jean-Luc Picard woke her from a deep sleep. She rubbed her eyes and hoisted herself up on her arms, muttering, 

“What the hell, Jean-Luc...it’s 0300 hours.”

She jumped as Picard repeated his message, and the words actually seemed to sink in.  _ A disturbance. Deanna. _ Beverly knew she was being irrational, but the word disturbance sounded like something Deanna might... _ Sense, or something.  _ Beverly scrambled for her uniform, pulling it on and yanking a brush through her red hair quickly, her heart racing. 

She was terrified of Deanna being injured and the turbolift seemed impossibly slow as she waited for the journey from the family level to the bridge. She yawned and leaned against the wall, her eyelids heavy. The jolt of a stop forced her awake, and she stumbled out to a quiet bridge. The ship viewer was showing a blue planet of ice, with a Ferengi vessel hovering in orbit. 

Beverly’s stomach churned at the sight. The Ferengi were sexist, disgusting creatures...she knew nothing good was about to come. She turned to the group, barely getting a view of Picard in a rumpled uniform and Geordi sitting with his head in his hands before a wall of black curls covered her face. Deanna had thrown herself into Beverly’s arms, and Beverly felt her sobbing against her chest.

The smell of Deanna’s hair filled her nose, and Beverly breathed it in, momentarily entranced. It faded as she realized what was going on, and she drew away. Deanna’s eyes were red and puffy, tears creating tracks through her makeup, mascara smudged under her dark eyes. “Deanna...what happened? Are you alright?” Deanna nodded and opened her mouth, but words wouldn’t come and she closed it again, shaking her head. 

She sniffed and reached for Beverly’s hand as Beverly looked at Picard. She squeezed Deanna’s hand reassuringly and then laced her fingers in Deanna’s, the familiar tingles dancing on her hand. She despised the irony of the situation, how she was holding Deanna’s hand again, the physical touch warming her and making her heart flutter, but Deanna was severely upset about something, and as she looked at the crew, she saw sadness in all of them. 

Picard, Geordi, Data, though he couldn’t quite display sadness, Worf, who looked angry…. “Where’s Commander Riker?” Beverly said, and Deanna bit her lip as tears welled in her eyes. Picard cleared his throat and said, “Commander Riker went missing after his shift. An officer in the hallway said he faded out of the air as he was going to his quarters. He described it as a swirl of orange helixes around Riker’s body, and then he faded, as if being transported.” Beverly nodded. She didn’t feel sad yet, she knew Riker could handle himself.

“And the Ferengi?” Picard rubbed his head and said, “We don’t know if it was them for sure, but they seem a likely culprit and aren’t answering our attempts at hailing them.” Beverly bit her lip. The last time they had dealt with the Ferengi, and they had mind-controlled Picard....they claimed they forgave him for the destruction of their ship, and the two had reached an alliance...of sorts.

She heard a little gasp and Deanna dropped her hand, wiping away more tears. “Dee?” Beverly whispered, but Deanna didn’t look at her.  _ She must be taking this hard. _

Deanna felt more tears rising as her cheeks burned. She was trying to reach out to Will, and it was tearing her apart. She realized that she maybe was overreacting, but it didn’t matter. She could always hear her old Imzadi. Something must have happened, and Deanna thought that she knew.  _ It’s because you love someone else. Someone else can hear your thoughts.  _ Beverly and Picard were murmuring in hushed tones, when the screen crackled on.

A Ferengi face filled the viewer, causing Beverly to jump back in surprise. He snarled in anger and said, “Enterprise. We lost a ship to you in the past, and it will not happen again. He will reveal your secrets of your strength and your ship.” 

The Ferengi moved aside to reveal Commander Riker, chains around his wrist stretching into the wall and holding him in place. He was kneeling, his beard full of dirt. His uniform had a large gash along his bicep, and Beverly winced seeing blood oozing from a deep gash. Deanna felt tears spring to her eyes. Her old Imzadi was drooped over, his eyes closed. He looked so weak, and powerless...and the readings coming from him were faint ones of fear, which is something she had never known him to feel.

She noticed, as she gazed at him, that she was still unable to hear his thoughts as normal.  _ Will, please. You’ll be okay, just stay strong, Will, listen to me... _ She closed her eyes and made her projections stronger, gasping through tears with the effort. Suddenly, she felt a wash of confusion, sadness, and fear. She met Beverly’s eyes, noticing that the ginger was gazing at her, her mouth slightly agape. 

“I demand to know why you have taken one of our officers,” said Picard. The Ferengi snarled. “Either you give us the weaknesses of your ship and Federation, or we take the information ourselves.” Picard opened his mouth, but the viewer shut off. Picard rubbed his head and turned to the group, saying, “Counsellor Troi. Do you get any readings on the Ferengi?” Deanna wiped her eyes and tried to reach out, but a wall of anxiety made her stumble sideways. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Standing there, watching Picard talk to the Ferengi, Beverly felt stricken. Deanna’s voice was bouncing around her head, yelling Will’s name over and over and begging him to stay strong. Beverly tried not to think about the implications of this.  _ They had been Imzadi, and could hear each others thoughts. If you are hearing hers now…. _ she stared at Deanna, whose eyes were closed with effort.

_ It doesn’t matter, you need to check on Riker. Do your job.  _ She tore her eyes from Deanna and looked back up at the viewer. Riker’s wound was bleeding, but from what she could see, it wasn’t that deep. There were no other visible signs of trauma, and for that she was relieved. 

Before she could look further, the screen flashed off. Picard rubbed his head and whirled to face her, adjusting his uniform. “Counsellor Troi. Do you get any readings on the Ferengi?” Beverly watched as Troi closed her eyes, but suddenly, her brunette friend stumbled and fell into her chair, her head drooping. “Deanna?” Beverly kneeled by her side and placed her hand on Deanna’s knee, but Deanna’s eyes were closed, her chest heaving. She murmured, “I’m so exhausted...I can’t...I can’t hear him….”

Picard approached them and said, “Excuse me, Counsellor?” Deanna cleared her throat and said, “I need to rest. My mind had been somewhat expended.” Picard nodded and turned to Geordi, ordering him and Data to do investigations of Ferengi technology. Beverly looked at Deanna and whispered, “Dee? You...can’t hear his thoughts?” Deanna shook her head and said, “Not here. My….my quarters.” Beverly nodded and helped her up, her friend leaning on her heavily.

“Captain. Permission to escort the Counsellor to her quarters.” Picard nodded sharply, and the two entered the Turbolift. Once they were underway, Beverly repeated, “You can’t hear him?” Deanna shook her head, rubbing her eyes. “Every time I try….”  _ Will. Are you there?  _ Beverly shuddered and felt chills erupt on her spine. Something was connecting their minds, their souls in a way that Beverly wasn’t entirely sure she could understand. “....Someone or something else recieves them instead.” Deanna gazed and Beverly, and Beverly looked into her dark eyes, wet with tears.  _ Tell her.  _ **_Tell me what?_ ** Beverly blinked and took a step back. 

Her look of shock must have been mirrored with the one on Deanna’s face. They stared at each other, unsure.  **_Beverly?_ ** _...Dee? _ Deanna let out a little gasp as the turbolift grinded to a halt, depositing them at their destination. The two made their way to Deanna’s quarters in silence, but Beverly could tell Deanna’s mind was whirling. Hers was too. Now that they were off the bridge with the whole Riker situation, Deanna had calmed somewhat. Beverly smiled a little seeing how beautiful Deanna looked without her makeup, wiped away with the tears.

Her lips were naturally a soft blush color, and her eyelashes were long regardless of mascara.  _ She….she’s effortlessly gorgeous.  _ Beverly chastised herself for her feelings in a time like this.  _ Besides, Deanna can...hear you now. _ The two stopped outside Deanna’s quarters, and Deanna invited her in to sit on a velvet couch. Beverly had been in here before, and felt her nerves settle at the comforting sights of Deanna’s leafy plants and golden mirror. 

Deanna sat across from her, and Beverly said, “Are you okay?” Deanna swallowed and said, “Will and I...after all of our history, it hurts to see him this way.” Beverly nodded and said, “Deanna, you know he’s going to be okay. He’s so strong, and...you are too. I am confident both of you will come out of this relatively okay.” Deanna chuckled and said, “Beverly, you are so sweet.” Beverly felt her cheeks warm at the compliment and said, “I just…”  _ I have feelings for you. _ She watched as Deanna’s cheeks turned bright red, and she smiled a little.

“Beverly. I want to try something. Close your eyes.” Beverly felt her skin prickle. Deanna and her were so close, Beverly didn’t want to make herself that vulnerable. Deanna flashed her a warm smile, and she gave in, letting her eyes close. She felt her heart beating in her chest, hearing Deanna’s breaths and her own mixing in the silent room. Her cheeks burned, and she was about to open her eyes when... **_Beverly? Can you hear me?_ ** _ I can.  _ **_Beverly...I haven’t been able to hear someone like this since..._ ** _ Will. _ **_Yes. Beverly..._ ** _ I have feelings for you.  _ Deanna gasped a little as Beverly’s mind revealed itself to her. Beverly obviously didn’t have any way of knowing, but Deanna could hear everything she thought.  _ I’ve...loved you for so long. I’ve been too scared to do anything, but you’re the most beautiful woman I know, emotionally and physically. God, I hope you can’t hear this.  _ Deanna opened her eyes.

The woman in front of her was crying slightly, a tear slipping from her eye. Her red waves of hair flowed around her face, and her pale cheeks were flushed. Deanna quietly shifted closer, until their legs were touching. Beverly stiffened, and Deanna thought,  **_Beverly...you have feelings for me?_ ** Deanna watched Beverly gasp and another tear trickled down her face.  _ You...heard?  _ **_Bev...open your eyes._ ** Beverly opened her eyes and saw Deanna, much closer, smiling. She reached out, and Beverly felt her face catch fire. Deanna moved her thumb and wiped away the drops of moisture from Beverly’s cheeks.

“Beverly...why are you crying?” “Because...I just exposed my deepest feelings for you and didn’t even know I was doing it, and Will is still hurt…” Deanna could still feel affection in her readings, and said, “Beverly. I...I also have feelings for you.” Deanna swallowed, and Beverly stared at her. “During dinner, when you took my hand, I…” “Dee.” Deanna stopped, feeling all of Beverly’s readings fade from worry into affection and...confidence. She felt her skin prickle as Beverly leaned in, pressing her lips against Deanna’s softly. She drew away again, her cheeks crimson. “Dee-” Deanna snaked her arms around her torso and pulled the redhead against her. Lips met lips, and Beverly melted away. 

Deanna’s lips were a little firm, but she kissed Beverly softly, as if still unsure. Beverly couldn’t seem to process she was kissing a woman. She deepened the kiss, her hands sliding into Deanna’s curls. She wound her fingers through the thick nest of curls, sighing into the kiss. Deanna’s hands roved up her spine, getting dangerously close to the sides of her breasts. Her chest felt warm all over, and her heart was pounding. She broke away for breath, and Deanna smiled, but Beverly inhaled, Deanna’s scent filling her nose, and leaned in again, closing the gap.

As Beverly kissed her again, Deanna felt her skin heat up all over. Her readings faded as both succumbed to one feeling of desire. Deanna felt satisfied, as if this was everything she needed. Since that day she had fallen, this was all she wanted...Thoughts of Will faded as elation took over, her lips and Beverly’s intimately pressed together. She shifted a little, spreading her legs, and Beverly shifted into the space, their stomachs brushing and causing Beverly to make a little groaning sound into Deanna’s mouth. Deanna flushed at the sound against her lips, and felt her chest tighten, her core heating up. 

The two broke apart to breathe again, and Beverly stroked her face, grinning. “Deanna...I never knew I could love a woman, but you’ve changed my life for the better.” Deanna smiled and pressed her forehead against Beverly’s and said, “Bev...you’re a damn good kisser.” Beverly laughed heartily and said, “Dee, you’re not bad yourself.” Deanna chuckled, but froze when her door opened. Both turned their heads, and Beverly scrambled off of Deanna, adjusting her uniform as Data looked at the two of them.

Deanna stood as well, blushing and standing next to Beverly. “Commander Data. We were just-” Data cut off the ginger by saying, “I am sorry to interrupt the pre lovemaking processes, but Captain needs all senior staff.” “We weren’t….” Beverly choked on the words, and Deanna smiled.  _ Still some shyness.  _ Data left, and Beverly smiled at her, stretching out her hand. “Well, I suppose we’ll have to resume this later.” Deanna took her hand, feeling the familiar tingles as she laced her fingers with the Doctor’s. She smiled as the two left her quarters, hearts beating together.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've had romance, but next chapter will not be as lighthearted...;(


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW. It has been so long! I'm sorry for the wait, I hope this makes up for it.

“Arise, pitiful female.” Deanna started awake, rubbing her eyes. 

She was exhausted, as another day of reaching out to Will had come and gone. She blinked to see a Ferengi on her personal viewer and yelped, jumping backwards and hitting her head on her bed frame. She winced as she rubbed the sore spot, sliding out of bed towards her communicator. 

“Don’t alert your captain ...or he dies.” 

The Ferengi drew aside to reveal Will, now awake, but groggy. The blood on his gashed arm had crusted over, and his hair was dirty and matted to his forehead.

“Will.” Deanna ran to her viewer and put her palm on the screen, as if she could touch him, feel him there. 

She reached out again, but the only feelings she had were of the few crew members that were awake. A general feeling of happiness was emanating from Will as he smiled, seeing her, but it was filled with apprehension. Deanna swallowed and drew back slightly, saying, “Why have you contacted me?” She could sense that the Ferengi were unsatisfied, and that this was a call of need. _Maybe I can bargain._

“He is not useful in providing information. We have noticed that you know much for a female. Maybe you can assist us.” 

Deanna gasped. The Ferengi were sexist, repulsive creatures. Turn herself in? And leave her Captain without her? 

“You will turn yourself over, or we torture him.” 

Will shook his head, croaking, “No, Dee...don’t-” The Ferengi whipped him with an electric coil, and he convulsed, groaning as he tossed his head back, his arms straining against their ropes. Deanna looked away, whispering, 

“No, Will…” The Ferengi lashed out again, and Will cried out, thrashing. 

Deanna swallowed her tears, trying not to look weak. Will’s feelings were wavering, which Deanna knew meant he was close to death. _They don’t know that they’re close to killing him. He’s going to die._ Deanna choked back a sob and said, 

“Take me.” Will shook his head, struggling against his bonds. 

“No, Deanna, I order you to stand down.” Deanna shook her head, and after telling her coordinates, shut off her viewer. She sat down on her bed, pulling off her nightgown and pulling on a uniform. She chose her highest neck one, although she didn’t think it mattered. The Ferengi loved their females without clothing, and it probably wouldn’t be long before they did something to make that happen. 

She let her sobs go, racking her chest as she waited to be beamed over. _I’m leaving Beverly. Picard has been unsuccessful in negotiations...what if you never see her again?_ Deanna choked on tears, anger fuming within her. _You’re going to break her heart. And maybe you’ll die, and never see her again._ Deanna felt consumed by guilt, and she wiped her eyes, desperately trying to stop her tears. 

_But they’re going to kill Will. He’ll...he’ll know how to save you if he’s up here._ Deanna hated that she was relying so deeply on her old Imzadi. _He probably noticed that we’ve been cut off...I wonder if he wonders._ She felt the transmitter beams start to form around her, and took a deep breath as she started to shimmer away, Will taking her place. **_I’m sorry, Bev._ **

Will materialized in Deanna’s room and collapsed sideways, his side aching. His limbs ached, his arm was a dull throbbing where the exposed gash was, and his head was pulsing with pain. 

“Commander Riker to sickbay. I need assistance in Counsellor Troi’s quarters.” 

He fell to the side, unable to hear the response in his pain. _Deanna. She’s beamed herself over. She’s going to be killed. I have to save her.._ He tried to stand and stumbled, catching himself on Deanna’s bed. The sheets smelled like her, and he inhaled, trying to calm himself like she always did. He and she both had accepted they weren’t right, but part of him still loved her, he thought. _But something’s changed. She...she has to have a new Imzadi._ He couldn’t hear her thoughts anymore, and he sighed. _I need to talk to Picard. I know their weaknesses._

The doors slid open, and he waved, calling, “Here.” 

An assistant nurse kneeled by him, and said, “Commander, you’re back! How did you get here?” 

Riker swallowed and said, “Is Doctor Crusher on duty right now?” 

The nurse shook her head and said, “She’s getting some well-earned sleep. Picard decided that all senior staff except Data should have a shift off to rest. They’ve been thinking non-stop about how to get you back.” 

Riker smiled, but it faded quickly. “As soon as you can fix me, I need them all woken up and a senior staff meeting to be arranged.” The nurse nodded and helped him up, and he groaned, leaning on her heavily as his legs cried out in pain. 

The walk to sickbay was agonizingly slow, as officers stopped them in the hall every ten feet and said, “Commander! It’s good to see you back.” 

Will managed nods, but didn’t really have the words to describe how he was feeling. His best friend was now in the hands of potentially lethal kidnappers, and he had let it happen. She might die, and it would be his fault. And this new Imzadi... _whoever he his, he’s going to be torn apart once he knows._ The nurse kept flashing him uneasy smiles, and he knew he probably smelled like Ferengi and looked like shit. 

He finally reached sickbay, and Data was waiting. As the nurse lowered him onto a bed, Data said, 

“Commander. It is good you are back in command. I would almost say I am...glad.” Riker couldn’t help but grin as the nurse ran a device over his wound, scanning the depth. “It’s good to see you, Data.” 

“Commander, we have been trying to negotiate your return for 2 stardates. How did you return unaided?”

“They...exchanged me.”

“For what? Or for whom?” Riker opened his mouth, but the nurse said, “Commander, you will need 10 minutes inside this biobed to close this wound and relieve some of the muscle stress and tears you have experienced.”

Riker nodded and swung his legs onto the bed, reclining. “Data. Alert the Captain and all senior staff that I have returned. I would like a senior staff meeting on the observation deck as soon as I am done with this procedure.”

Data nodded and turned on his heel, leaving sickbay as Riker closed his eyes, the nurse moving to turn on the biobed. 

_“Data to Captain Picard.”_ Jean-Luc Picard rolled over in his bed, groaning. _“Data to Captain Picard.”_ Data made his voice louder and Picard groaned, mumbling,

“So much for time off.” 

_“Data to Captain Picard.”_ Picard blinked and sat up a little straighter. Data didn’t have emotions, so this must be something that was logically urgent.

“Yes Data?” He realized it was only auditory, and he slid out of bed, pulling a uniform out of the closet and affixing the communicator that was currently talking to his chest. 

“Captain, Commander Riker has returned to the Enterprise. He is currently in sickbay, and has requested a meeting with the senior staff.” Picard felt a smile break across his face. _Will’s back._ Picard was happy to have his second in command back by his side, but as he strode to the door, his smile faded.

_There is no way the Ferengi returned Will without a price._ “Data, gather the senior staff for a meeting in my ready room. I am going to sickbay to talk with Commander Riker. We will arrive at the meeting together.”

“Yes sir.” 

Picard strode to the turbolift. “Computer, what time is it?”

“It is 0436 hours.” Picard rubbed his skull and yawned, muttering, 

“After this ordeal, we need a shore leave to just sleep.” He knew that something was wrong, and as he approached sickbay, he felt slightly uneasy. He was glad to see Commander Riker, sitting up in a biobed.

“Captain.” He broke out into a large grin, his perfect teeth gleaming. “Number One. I’m glad you’ve returned.” Riker nodded, but his smile started to fade, his eyes clouding over. “Number One?” 

“They took Counsellor Troi. I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t.”

“Why did they let you go?” 

“They did it as a trade. They think she will know more than I do. They were torturing me, and I tried to tell her not to go but she asked them to take her....and they did.” Picard frowned.

“She offered herself up to danger? That was quite a reckless decision.” 

Riker nodded, but he didn’t really believe it. Deanna was braver than he knew-she offered herself to save the life of someone who loved her once, and now they were further apart than ever, yet she had volunteered herself. 

“Captain, I am not one to reveal secrets, but it seems like Counsellor Troi has been acting different. She seems more distant, and….” he trailed off, waiting for the nurse checking on the biobed to leave. “I can’t hear her thoughts anymore.” 

Picard was one of the only people who knew they were once Imzadi, and his brow furrowed as his frown deepened. “You’re saying you won’t be able to tell if she’s in danger?” Riker nodded, and Picard said, “That is certainly a disadvantage, but we should save the tacticals for the meeting.” Riker nodded and got up, drawing to his full height. “It is good to have you back, Number One.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_“Commander Data to Doctor Crusher.”_ Beverly groaned in her sleep, her eyes not opening. _“Commander Data to Doctor Crusher.”_ Beverly sighed and forced her eyes open, sitting up in bed. She smiled at the images from before bed, of Deanna kissing her cheek outside her quarters. She stretched as her communicator repeated, _“Commander Data to Doctor Crusher.”_

Beverly reached for her communicator, about to say something when her vision spun and a voice said, **_I’m sorry, Bev._ ** Beverly gasped and thought, _Deanna?_ But there was no response. Every nerve in her body was standing on edge now, and she tapped her communicator, saying, “Doctor Crusher here.”

_“Doctor, there is a senior staff meeting being called in the ready room. Please come to the bridge immediately.”_ The communicator shut off, and Beverly stared at it. She felt sick. Deanna said sorry, and now there was a meeting at...she glanced at her clock. 0430 hours. Something was wrong with Deanna, she could tell. She couldn’t hear Deanna’s voice, which either meant she was asleep, soon to be woken... _or she’s in danger._ Beverly realized that the sooner she got to the meeting, the sooner she knew what was going on. 

She went into her bathroom, turning on the light to give her hair a quick brush, as to not look like a disaster. There was still a heart-shaped berry lipstick mark on her pale cheek from Deanna’s kiss goodnight, and she smiled sadly as she rubbed it away with some water. She grabbed her lab coat from her chair and slid into a uniform, pulling her coat over her shoulders as she left her bedroom, tripping on a book and stumbling. 

“Mom?” She turned to see Wesley peeking out from his door. Since the incident with the Florigatens, he had mostly healed, but he still looked quite tired. 

“Wes, why are you awake?” 

“Because you get dressed louder than a Klingon in battle.” 

Beverly cracked a grin and said, “Back to bed, Mr. Smartypants.” 

Wesley smiled too, but he turned serious again and asked, “Mom, why do you keep leaving when you’re off duty?”

“Oh, just...some things crop up. Don’t worry, Wes, just please get some sleep.” 

Wesley didn’t look convinced, but he murmured, “See you later.” Beverly nodded and blew him a kiss before leaving their quarters, making her way towards the turbolift.

Standing alone in the turbolift, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. _Deanna? Dee? Can you hear me? Please, answer._ She kept her eyes closed, listening to her own breaths as nothing happened. _I’m probably doing it wrong anyways._ She opened her eyes, feeling tears prickle her skin suddenly. _She’s not safe._ She didn’t know how she knew, but wiped her eyes before her tears could fall. _It might not be anything serious. Just stay calm and figure out what’s happening._ More tears fell, and she desperately tried to wipe them away, feeling her cheeks redden. In order to try and distract herself, her thoughts drifted to a happier aspect of this new relationship. After her first kiss with Deanna, her first kiss with a woman, she had felt elated. She had to admit, just the kissing and tension had gotten her a little wet, and she knew that her cheeks had been red most of the day just by being in the same room as Deanna.

However, because of the nature of their mission to try and save Riker, Denna had become more subdued. Beverly hadn’t been able to hear her thoughts, so it seemed to be something controllable, which she supposed was nice. She didn’t want Deanna to hear the apprehensions she still had...mostly about being new to the lesbian scene, and not particularly knowing what she would do if they had sex. She knew, of course, how lesbians had sex, but it had been so long since she had had sex that she didn’t even know if she was a top or bottom anymore.

Since Jack had died, she had at first been too busy raising Wesley alone to date, and then the few dates she did go on never ended with sex. She had resigned herself to masturbation as Wesley started school, and she had to admit she was still quite good at turning herself on as she got older. Then the Enterprise came, and it just didn’t seem like the right place. She was incredibly busy with work, and when she was off, she loved helping Wesley with his studies and spending time with some good friends. She had masturbated once on the Enterprise, in a holodeck hot tub adventure that she just barely managed to shut off before Data came in to request her assistance. 

Since then, she had been somewhat wary, and didn’t feel as much libido or desire. Then, of course, Deanna and her became closer, and the emptiness she had had inside her, that she had tried to cover up since Jack died, had longed for someone. When she and Deanna became best friends, Beverly fell. She had felt physical feelings coming back, which was nice. She felt turned on around Deanna, got hot all over when she and Deanna had kissed, and had even envisioned her and Deanna naked a few times. 

The stopping of the turbolift stopped her mid-thought, and she shook her head, striding into the ready room. As she looked around, her stomach plummeted. It was as she thought. Geordi, Data, the Captain, Commander Riker ...Commander _Riker!_ She broke into a smile seeing that he was back, and she nodded at him, meeting his grin. She then saw that next to him was Deanna’s empty seat. He himself had bags under his eyes, and his eyes were incredibly sad. She felt even sicker and eased herself into her seat. 

Her cheeks were burning, and placed her face in her hands in an attempt to cool her skin. Her stomach was churning, and she felt her breaths coming faster and faster. Tears sprang to her eyes again, and her chest heaved as she felt short of air. _She’s gone, she’s gone, she’s gone. She’s not safe, she’s in danger, and you might never see her again, she’s gone..._ Beverly let a small sob escape her lips, and she wiped her eyes, feeling a hand on her back. Riker had come around from his position and rubbed her shoulders, nodding at her. She gulped for air, trying to calm herself. Her cheeks were still a fiery pink as everyone stared at her, trying to gage why she was reacting so heavily, stoic Doctor Crusher.

Picard nodded at Riker, and he cleared his throat before saying, “The Ferengi woke me and said that I had a chance to go free. They had some sort of small cam device, and managed to signal Counsellor Troi on her private communications line in her quarters.” Beverly felt tears stinging her eyes and blinked them away desperately as Riker continued, 

“They offered her the chance to send herself over as hostage, because they found me useless. I hadn’t told them anything, and they thought she would know more about the ship than me.” Beverly felt her stomach churn, and she leaned back in her seat, swallowing hard and blinking away more tears that pushed on her eyes.

  
  


“They then hit me with their electric coils. She told them her coordinates, and they switched our places. She is currently…” his voice broke, and Beverly realized how hard he must be taking it. His best friend was kidnapped, and he could no longer hear her thoughts either. But, she felt her mind harden. He didn’t even try to stop them from what he said, and had let Deanna sacrifice herself to the filthy creatures. “She is under the Ferengi control.” Beverly couldn’t hold it in anymore. She staggered to her feet and stumbled to the replicator. 

A wash of dizziness came over her, and she bent over, clutching the counter as she croaked out, “One metal bowl.” 

“Doctor Crusher, are you alright?” She barely heard Geordi’s voice over the ringing in her ears. 

The bowl appeared just in time, and she bent over it, clutching her stomach as she vomited into the bowl, coughing and retching some more. Her cheeks still felt hot, and she let her tears fall as she vomited again, wiping her mouth on her hand. 

She leaned against the counter as the officers approached her, looks of shock and concern on their faces. “Doctor Crusher, are you ill?” Beverly managed to say, “She’s gone...they have her..they’re going to...torture…” her words were cut off by sobs, and Riker said, “We will do our best to get her back.”

“Really, Will?” The words shocked her, but before she could apologize, Riker said, 

“What do you mean?” Geordi and Worf looked between them nervously, and she said, her voice stronger, “You didn’t even try to stop this from happening!” She felt more tears fall as she stepped towards Riker, looking up at him with rage. “She’s our best friend, and you did shit to save her!” Her voice was at a full yell, and it cracked as she said, “She’s going to be tortured because you were too weak to resist the trade! You could have made something up, or offered something else, instead of giving her to them when you that they-”

“Enough!” The sharp bark of Captain Picard cut her off, and he grabbed her arm, his face ablaze with rage. “Control yourself, Doctor Crusher! That is hardly the way to be acting. Commander Riker did his best given his situation. He has valuable information about their base, and that will not be helped by your outbursts!” He sighed, rubbing his head, and said, “Everyone return to your seats. Number One, continue your briefing.” The others trickled away, and Picard looked at her, releasing her arm.

“Beverly. I know that you and the Counsellor might have a more...special bond now, but you have to control your emotions. We cannot do our duties to this ship and to Deanna if we are crying.” Beverly nodded, the last tears falling. 

“Jean-Luc...I need her back.” Picard nodded, his face growing solemn. 

“As do all of us. Now, back to the meeting. We will save her.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Deanna shimmered into the cave, she swallowed heavily, seeing a mass of 10 or so Ferengi waiting for her. They snarled, some twisting their mouths into grins, and Deanna felt her stomach plummet with fear. In the moment, she had saved Will from death. Now, what fate awaited her? Torture? 

She considered herself brave, but how would she hold up under torture? She felt a tear spring to her eyes and blinked it away as the transportation finalized. Instantly, the Ferengi lunged. She threw up her hands in defense, kicking at them, but they surrounded her. Distracted by the ones in her front, she couldn’t stop the ones from behind her climbing on her and yanking a blindfold over her eyes. The fabric was somewhat moist, and reeked of Ferengi. She squirmed and struck out with her arms, but then everything exploded in pain.

It felt like fire had started to burn on her right forearm, and was spreading over all her nerves. She felt jolts like searing needles stabbing her arms, and it felt like her skin was ripping and burning, her arm completely weak. The jolts spread over her body, and she fell to the ground, failing to stop a loud cry from escaping her mouth. She convulsed, her limbs twitching as fire ripped through her bones and then lifted, leaving her on the ground. She could not see, but she was able to stagger up. The Ferengi were waiting, and their hands were on her wrists, and this time she did not resist.

“Very good,” a voice snarled from her right. “Normally our females only need one hit to be subdued. You will hold up well.” 

Deanna shivered, fear paralyzing her mind. Her legs felt incredibly sore, as if she had just run a marathon, and her arms were aching with a dull throb of pain. She was terrified. If that was one whip crack, how could she stand up to them?

_Because you’re an officer._ She swallowed and this time, couldn’t stop a tear from trickling down her cheek. Thankfully, no one noticed, but as the Ferengi prodded her along, she had to force herself to stop crying. _I miss Beverly._ The warm comforts of the redhead’s touch, of her smile, of feeling her soft hair in a hug or snuggle, of kissing her cheek goodnight, thinking they would see each other in the morning. The pleasant memories of kissing, the two touching each other’s waists, torsos, hair, sneaking sly grins to cheer her up as they searched for Riker. 

Deanna smiled, and decided that she would survive this. She had to, for Beverly. She had to. The Ferengi stopped, and there was the sound of sliding metal, which she assumed was a cell door. The Ferengi shoved her against the wall, her spine slamming awfully hard into it. They grabbed her wrists, tying ropes tight around her. _These must be the same ropes that Will was tied in._ When they let go of the ropes, she felt them slide up, and her body stretching to compensate. She was much shorter than Will, and in this contraption she could stand flat, but there was a constant tug on her torso and arms that was quite uncomfortable.

“Now, female. What is the name of your ship?” _Well, they already know this. You should get them to trust you, so you can lie to them later._ “I am from the USS Enterprise, part of the United Federation of Planets.” Her voice was weak, and she cleared her throat, swallowing hard as she heard movement, not knowing what was happening. 

Her mind had started to clear after the electricity coil, and she finally could reach the Ferengi. Most had feelings of wanting to know anything, something about the ship. One of them, she assumed the leader, was curious about her, and very determined to get what he wanted. Lastly, she had to try not to throw up as she felt the desires melting of the Ferengi, desires to de-clothe her like they did with all their females.

“And what is your name?” “I am Counsellor Deanna Troi.” “How does a female have power on your ship?” butted in another voice, this one deeper and more grating. “Because...because females are just as smart and strong as men.” The Ferengi grunted, and one said, 

“Not here. Here, our women wear no clothes, and-” 

“Enough! It is not important that she is a female. It is important what she knows. What is your captain’s name?” 

“Jean-Luc Picard.” 

“She is not lying. Well, we will discuss what we need to know and return. If you answer our questions, we feed you.” Deanna didn’t say anything, and listened to their footsteps recede away. Once they were gone, she let herself cry. The tears streamed out from her eyes, soaking the cloth over her eyes and trickling down her cheeks. 

She had gotten herself into a right mess. She hoped that they were doing something on the ship, but she knew she couldn’t be useless. What could she learn from her readings? She reached out. She was too far from the Enterprise to sense any feelings from her crew. No thoughts from Beverly either, which surprised her. She supposed that the link was still weak, having only existed for a day.

She sensed that the Ferengi wanted revenge, and glory. Glory. They wanted to defeat the Captain that had defeated a ship of theirs so long ago. She could sense a bit of fear among the crowd, but it was an underwhelmingly small amount compared to the glee they had over having a female captive and the chaos about what to ask her. She tried to probe deeper, but her head flared with pain and she decided to back off. These electrical coils did some serious damage. She needed to be careful. She took a deep breath, her tears stopped for now. _Just tell them lies. You need to live for Beverly, for the crew, for the ship._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly tried to focus on Riker’s words as he reviewed his time in the Ferengi captivity. He was talking about the cave he was in, and what the weak points were.

“The problem is, I don’t know where on the planet the cave actually is.” 

Geordi leaned forward and said, “They are using some kind of special subspace network. If the Captain, or another officer establishes contact for at least 5 minutes, I can lock a tracker signal on the transmitter by rewinding the input codes our receivers get.”

Picard and Riker both nodded, and Beverly cleared her throat. “What about Deanna herself? Once we know where they are, how do we get her back?” 

She looked around at her crew, who didn’t quite meet her eyes. After her outburst, everyone has been slightly uncomfortable with her, but she honestly could care less. She usually cared immensely about maintaining professionalism, but when a member of her crew was in danger, especially someone who she cared for like she cared for Deanna, she would do anything to get them back. 

Geordi said, “They are blocking transports out, so we’d have to disable their power source. We cannot just simply beam her back. We have to go in with force.”

Picard was grimacing and said, “Unfortunately, since the Federation’s mission is peaceful, we can’t take her back by force unless it is proven that she is in utter danger.” 

Riker’s brow furrowed and he said, “No, Captain, you can’t be serious. We can’t do that to her.” 

Beverly looked between the two, the dots connecting in her mind. _They had shown Deanna themselves torturing Will. But we all collectively never saw it. In order to attack them without jeopardizing the Federation, they need to attack us. We need to catch them...torturing her, and have it on record from Geordi’s tracker._ Remembering the Captain’s words, she held back her tears, but her body erupted in chills, goosebumps on her skin. 

“We need to expose them in the midst of torture,” said Data, reaching the conclusion as she did, and Picard nodded. Riker looked positively furious at this point, and Beverly felt at that moment that there was no one on the ship who would understand her better.

She had often butted heads with Will, both of them being incredibly stubborn. He often wanted to charge into the fray to save people, and while she desired to keep everyone on her crew safe as well, she preferred to think things through first. And of course, his past with Deanna made her somewhat jealous at times. She couldn’t forget how upset Deanna was when she couldn’t hear Will anymore.

She had never seen Deanna or Will as emotional as they had been these past few stardates, and that worried her. Besides the fact that she wanted them to be okay, she was wary of feelings starting between them again. _You’re being foolish, Beverly, the two of you kissed! She told you she’s falling for you._ Well then, would this be another Jack? The only person she had loved this hard, lost to an accident in space. 

Now, another person she cared deeply for, held captive by a violent alien race. Requiring torture to save her. She felt queasy thinking about it and was broken from her stupor when Picard said, “Thank you, Number One. Everyone return to your positions.”

Beverly rubbed her eyes and stood to leave, when Riker said, “Doctor Crusher. Can I talk to you for a moment?” Beverly turned to see Riker, and it hit her how hard he really was taking this. His eyes had dark circles under them, his beard was scruffy and dirty, and his eyes just looked so..weary.

“Will, I want to apologize for my outburst. It’s not your fault, and I-” Will held up his hand with a grim smile and said, 

“Beverly, it’s okay. I blame myself too, but...that’s not what I wanted to say.” He took a deep breath, and said, “It’s you, isn’t it? You’re her...new Imzadi.”

Beverly felt chills on her spine, but Will didn’t seem angry, just...sad. Beverly stepped closer and said, “Yes...how did you know?” 

“It was your reaction...it’s basically how I felt when Deanna traded herself to them. And I can’t hear her anymore, and she had talked at times about women she thought were attractive, but I figured it was in an objective way, but it just makes more sense now.” 

Beverly took another step towards him and whispered, “Will, I’m so sorry…” 

Will felt tears in his eyes and said, “Beverly, she’s allowed to find someone new...just treat her well.” 

Beverly nodded, feeling tears of her own form, and said, “I promise, Will.” Riker stepped forwards, holding out his arms, and Beverly chuckled before hugging his torso. Her head was pressed against his chest, and she could feel his heart racing. She wiped her eyes and withdrew, smiling. “Let’s get her back, Will.” He smiled at her, and the two left for the bridge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna felt hard hands shaking her, maybe to check if she was awake. “Yes?” She said into the darkness, trying not to have her voice tremble. She didn’t know how long it had been since she had eaten, and the only thing stopping her from passing out and sleeping was the underlying panic about being captive. She was trying really hard not to think about chocolate.

A Ferengi growled, “We are receiving a transmission from your Captain. Behave, or be punished.” Deanna’s heart swelled. With an open link, she could use her hearing to enhance her readings. She heard a crackling, and then her Captain’s voice. 

“We have come to try and negotiate for our Counsellor.” Deanna listened to his words, and opened her mind all the way, stretching herself to the limit. Her captain was agitated, worried ...but he also felt a sense of satisfaction, of cunning ...He's _planning something._ She made a little gasping noise as she pushed herself. She could sense overall hope and determination, mixed with fear and anxiety. But the hope outweighed it. _They definitely have a plan._

The Ferengi growled, “What do you have to offer?” Deanna closed her eyes, trying to open her mind all the way. **_Beverly._** _Deanna? I can hear you now. You look…_ the thoughts cut out, and Deanna made a little cry and thought, **_Beverly. We don’t have a strong connection yet. I...I’m sorry._** There was no response. Deanna knew that their connection had severed, and she let a tear slip down her cheek. She missed Beverly with all her heart. 

She was snapped back to reality when the Ferengi roared, “We will avenge our destruction at your hands!” There was more crackling, and then the leader said, “You behaved well. We will feed you and let you rest.” Deanna said, “Very well.” There was some scuffling, then hands grabbed her mouth and roughly forced it open. She groaned as hands stuffed crusty bread and some squishy substance in her mouth. She managed to chew it, but it dribbled all over her chin, and she could not wipe it away.

She didn’t expect the Ferengi to grant her the courtesy, and sure enough, they left her with food stains on her chin and neck. “There will be a guard here, so do not try anything.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Captain. There’s movement on our scanners.” Geordi waved Picard over to his viewer, where their tracker was providing constant video feed from their transmitter. Deanna seemed the same, but the guard was prowling closer to her. 

Beverly, who had been sitting on the bridge, deep in conversation with Riker, approached the screen, Riker not far behind. 

The guard growled, “I’m sure you have heard the customs of our people with regards to females.” Deanna did nothing, but a collective gasp rang through the crew.

“No…” Beverly whispered. “My Dee…” Riker looked uncomfortable and tense, Picard much the same. They all watched as the guard prowled around her and said, “How do you remove your foolish clothing?” Beverly began to feel sick again, and she leaned on the railing for support. The guard snarled in frustration and grabbed Deanna’s uniform, tearing as hard as he could. The fabric ripped across the middle, leaving a large portion of Deanna’s skin exposed. Her bra peeked out the bottom of the top half, and the chunk of missing fabric tore down to her belly button.

The Ferengi grinned and leaned closer to her. “Are you awake, pitiful female?” There was no response, and the Ferengi slapped Deanna hard across the face. Riker winced, his cheeks turning bright red with anger. _No. I won’t let Deanna get hurt. Just...stop!_ As she longed for her friend to be spared, she felt a sudden sting on her face. She gasped and raised a hand to her face. It burned with pain, and she managed to not say anything. _Empathic. Of course. I have some leverage in this bond._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna felt a hard slap across her face, and blinked awake. She felt much colder, and after shifting her balance, she realized that there was a large tear in her uniform. Her nerves were immediately heightened, and she could read primal desire near her. She was incredibly afraid, her face stinging and her legs trembling. Then, as if in a miracle, she felt the stinging on her face begin to fade. _Beverly. She’s taking my pain._ The miracle was short lived as hands started to stroke her bare stomach. The fingers were long and rough, and Deanna siad, “Stop.” There was a mirthless chuckle, and the fingers crept under her bra line, squeezing her breasts firmly. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly and Riker both gasped simultaneously. Riker roared, “That Ferengi fucker better get his hands off her right now!” Beverly’s blood was boiling. She felt tears fall as Deanna yelled at the guard to stop and he kept up his advances. He groped her harder, shoving her clothing up so her breasts fell out into full view. Picard blushed all over his face and turned away, as did Geordi. Riker tried not to look, but snuck glances, his teeth gnashing. Beverly swallowed, her cheeks also burning. Deanna’s breasts were beautiful--rich olive toned, dark nipples surrounded by tender brown circles. She could not help but admire them, but more tears fell as she realized the circumstance by which she could see them. 

Suddenly, there was a sharp groan as Deanna kicked the Ferengi as hard as she could. Beverly smiled as Deanna struck again, slamming her leg and foot into him. _She might be short, but she’s so strong._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna was breathing hard, her cheeks burning. She was exposed to the Ferengi, and she felt like throwing up. He had violated her. Only Will had seen her that intimately before. _Hopefully Beverly does too._ She banished the intrusive thought as voices roared, “Stop this at once!” Hands roughly yanked her bra back to cover her.

“We must keep her intact for the head commander! We cannot do what we please until he commands.” Deanna breathed a sigh of relief, but then the voice growled, “Still. You must be punished for striking us.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly watched as he raised his electric coil, whipping Deanna across her exposed stomach. Deanna screamed and contorted in pain, her arms straining on her ropes. Her legs collapsed beneath her and she fell, hanging from her wrists as she moaned in pain, tears trickling from the blindfold. She desperately reached out. _I’ll heal you. I’ll save you._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna felt crippling pain all over, her skin burning. She felt like fire was slicing her apart. Her limbs and gut ached, and she couldn't help but scream in pain. Through the fire, she felt some of the pain trying to fade, but she pulled it back. _I can’t let Beverly feel this pain._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Number One. Prepare an away team. Data and Worf, retrieve Deanna and send your coordinates to Chief O’Brien. Commander Riker, you will take down the energy source with three security officers.” Riker nodded, and he, Data and Worf left the bridge. Picard muttered, “You strike us, we strike you.” He then raised his voice and said, “Doctor Crusher. Please be ready in sickbay in case this goes wrong.” Beverly jumped to her feet and nodded. _We’re getting you back._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was crashing noises, yells, explosions. Deanna smiled through it all. _They’re here._ The noise got closer, and suddenly the blindfold was pulled aside. Deanna looked into the solemn face of Lieutenant Commander Data. 

“Counsellor Troi. We are here to rescue you.” He began to untie her wrists, and she smirked, saying, “Not a moment too soon.” She tried to ignore the dull ache still present in her limbs. _Beverly. I need to see her._ The cave seemed bright, her vision coming back startlingly. The cave was filled with rubble, and Data and Worf, who was 10 feet away, were covered in dust.

More explosions, and Riker’s voice echoed from a communicator, _“Power has been shut down.”_ Data nodded, about to tap his communicator. There was a roar, and Ferengi bolted over the rubble. Before Data and Worf could turn, they fired their gun. Time seemed to slow. The shot whistled across the cave. Deanna was weak. Her limbs ached, she had a bit of a headache. The blast ripped through her exposed stomach, she felt a searing pain in her gut. She saw Data grab her, blood staining his golden hands. “Two to beam up to sickbay!” he yelled. As they started to fade away, she felt a wave of intense worry and fear wash over before her eyes shut and she blacked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly paced in sickbay, back and forth. The room was empty, save for her and her breaths. _You get to see Deanna soon. You’ll get to hold her, to nestle her and hug her. You can kiss her again._ Beverly couldn’t help but feel somewhat agitated lately. She loved Deanna, she knew, but as she had had time and time again to stew in her emotions, she was frustrated. She knew Deanna didn’t love Will, but why did she give in? Just because she was more emotional than others, didn’t mean she should be weaker. _We all learned not to put too much emotional weight on our decisions._ She was scared, and she was mad at Deanna too. For endangering herself somewhat recklessly. She tried to put it out of her mind. _She was trying to protect Will. But Will is strong. Why did she give in to them so easily?_ Beverly groaned in frustration and rubbed her eyes. _Stop. She’s a fighter._

She was snapped out of her thoughts by a sudden pain. Searing fire ripped through her gut, like a red-hot knife slicing her open. She gasped and stumbled. She felt anguish and fear, and she knew. _Deanna._ She thought she was going to vomit as her gut burned with pain.

 _“Doctor Crusher.”_ The Irish twang of Chief O’Brien came over communicator, and her stomach churned, still aching. _“Two are coming in to sickbay.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment whatever!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ekjhgrwirjbvjiwnc sorry for all the angst, jesus. something sweet coming, i promise. thanks for sticking with me! :)

The shimmer of transporter glimmered, reflecting on Beverly's face as she gripped the biobed for balance. Her gut was still aching dully, but it was manageable. The shimmering ended, and Beverly felt a bout of dizziness. She collapsed to her knees, tears instantly forming in her eyes. 

Data was holding the limp form of Deanna. Her uniform was torn and bloodstained, her hair was disheveled...and her stomach...Beverly forced herself to look at the wound, to assess it. There was a deep hole in Deanna’s stomach, as if a meteor had hit it. Beverly could see a ruptured intestine for sure. Layers and layers of skin were burned away, and judging by the dark bruising around the edges of the hole where the tears started, this was gamma damage. 

She had never seen a gamma weapon this potent. Deanna’s pants were soaked with blood, and it coated Data’s golden skin on his hands and face. Beverly felt her stomach churn, bile rising in her throat again. She choked it down and took two deep breaths. Deanna looked bad, really bad, and she needed to be treated immediately. She indicated to the nearest biobed, and as the stats turned on, the three nurses on duty came in, ready to assist. 

Beverly felt as if a spell had washed over her, and she felt oddly detached as she said, “Pulse is very weak, but still present. Blood loss is severe, and brain activity is slow.” She looked through the magnifier on the bio bed, getting an up close view of the wound. She blinked back her tears, vowing not to cry until Deanna was safe. 

“Fourth degree burns, ruptured intestine, gamma bruising. Knock her out.” One of her nurses complied, pressing a hypospray against Deanna’s skin. “We need to give her fluids to sustain the ones lost.” Beverly nodded at the IV armband on the counter. “Hook that up, set it to Betazoid level 5.” 

Beverly took a deep breath and swept her red hair into a ponytail. “First things first: This procedure will be bloody. Someone needs to tell me immediately if the heart rate slows any more. Second, we need cardiac jumpstarts on hand. I will be able to fuse the intestine back together at the rupture point. We can then divert the IV fluids there to help her regain energy in that region. So many layers of skin have been burned off that a graft from her person is impossible. Someone needs to be a donor.” 

Uneasy silence fell over the sickbay. The nurses glanced at each other. Beverly looked at them, and they flinched at the steely blue of her eyes. “Well? We need to save her life!” Beverly didn’t realize she had shouted until she saw her nurses cower in fear. 

“Doctor Crusher. While I do not have skin, the covering of my neural circuits is a close enough replica that it will function as coverage. However, they do not have their own live cells.” Beverly cursed under her breath as she gazed at Data, who had just spoken.  _ I need to save her. _ Beverly felt a rush of fatigue as she thought about life without Deanna.  _ Why did she give herself to them? _ Beverly felt a surge of anger and frustration and tried to dampen it desperately.  _ There’s no use getting mad at her. _

A nurse’s voice broke the uncomfortable silence. “Doctor Crusher, the Counsellor will be dead in 38 minutes unless the wound is closed. She is losing too much blood and vital energy.” Beverly felt another surge of sickness followed by dull pain in her stomach. 

She nodded, and Data said, “Doctor. If you can take some of her skin cells and transplant them into my circuitry, they could duplicate and essentially create live skin in the area. It would be stronger than her average skin.” 

Beverly managed a weak smile and said, “Data, you’re a genius.” He opened his mouth to respond, but Beverly said, “We have 36 minutes to save her life. Nurse O’Neill, you will fuse the tear in her intestine. Doctor Selar, take skin samples from Deanna’s shoulder. I will knock Data out and prepare a sample of his skin for the fusion.”

“Doctor, I do not actually have skin. It is a synthetic cover of my neural circuits, that, while appearing to be skin, does not--” 

“Not now, Data!” Beverly snapped, and Data clammed up, making his way to the biobed at her beckoning. She reached behind him and flicked the switch he had told her about when they encountered Lore. He fell back onto the biobed, and she lowered the cover over him, turning on the magnifier to see her hands, which she realized for the first time were shaking.

She tried to stop it, but as she stared at her fumbling fingers, she heaved for breath, sending pain through her gut which she realized was part of the new empathic connection, and she felt her cheeks growing hot, and...A hand clamped on her shoulder. 

“Doctor. Counsellor Troi has 33 minutes to live.” Beverly patted the hand of one of her nurses and rubbed her eyes, desperately trying to catch her breath still. She felt an eerie calm come over her, one that she was familiar with. The apathy of medic procedures.  _ You can’t let your feelings distract you. Save her. _

  
  


She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply, saying, “Scalpel.” She smiled a little as the nurse chuckled at her joke, and she took a laser cutter, her hands still shaking slightly. She stared at them, willing them to stop, and she stuck her hands under the cover. She set the laser cutter to a low setting, and called, “How wide is the wound?” 

“3 inches.” 

“How deep?”

“About 3 inches.”

“How long?”

“4 inches.”

“That’s 36 square inches of skin,” Beverly muttered to herself, “Plus I’ll be cutting circles, so I need more than that…” She turned on the projected ruler and whispered, “Fuck.”  _ The only area large enough is Data’s stomach....where his core is. I have to go slow...and I don’t have that much time. _ Glancing at Deanna’s stats, she swallowed and ripped away Data’s uniform. She checked her ruler again, and slowly started to make an incision along his chest. She had to go slow, and it felt like an eternity as she slowly drew the cutter down in a line, staying on each place as little as possible. Her thumb started to cramp as she held the switch, and she cursed again as she lingered too long, burning away some of his circuitry.

She finally finished, and she lifted the biobed cover, holding the flap of skin replicant in her hand. She needed Data for the next part, and she flicked the switch under him. He blinked, grinned, frowned, and then said, “Error detected. Repairing now.” Doctor Crusher watched, fascinated, as the skin replicant started to grow back over where it had been cut. 

“Doctor. I have her skin samples.” Beverly nodded to Doctor Selar, and brought both skin samples to the magniscope. “Doctor, you have 21 minutes.” Beverly felt her gut pulse again, a flare of anger at herself and at Deanna causing her cheeks to flush slightly. She waved Data over, and the two of them looked at the skin samples.  _ Well, not exactly skin, _ Beverly thought to herself. 

“Doctor. The procedure will in essence be like you’re wiring her to me. She probably will have an odd sensation of tingling for a few weeks as the wires and neural net die off. After that, they’ll have fueled enough cell growth that they’ll dissolve into her skin.”

Beverly nodded, and put her face to the microscope. She turned both Data and Deanna’s skin to face upwards, and zoomed in by factor 5,000. She saw the cells, and she glanced away to grab tweezers. 

“Just grab a neural net and stick it gently into the cell. Only a little, if you penetrate it too hard, it will kill the cell.”

Beverly nodded, and she pinched a wire gently, slowly drawing it across to the cell. She exhaled deeply and stuck it inside, feeling the small resistance. She let go, and followed the procedure again and again, until every cell was connected. She wiped the sweat that was pooling under her hairline away, and turned to Deanna.

“Doctor Crusher. The Counsellor now has 16 minutes.” 

Beverly nodded, muttering, “Don’t tell me. we’re going to save her.” She laid the flap of combined skin down and looked at the wound, starting to slice out circles and hand them to Doctor Selar; Doctor Selar began to attach the skin in the different layers. 

Beverly wiped sweat away again and continued on to the next circle, when a rapid beeping from the statistics wall interrupted her. Deanna’s pulse had dropped immensely, and was hovering close to 0. “What? No, no, no, we have time, we have time…” Beverly dashed to the stats and saw that the levels of oxygen in her brain had dropped severely. Her eyes roved over the information desperately, but nothing was changing.  _ She’s dying. _

“Doctor Crusher, her brain activity has slowed down immensely due to how much bodily fluid and blood has left her system. I can continue grafting the skin to heal the burns, but we need to give her neural jumpstarts.” 

Beverly nodded weakly, glad for Doctor Selar’s input, and said, “Get them ready then.” Selar nodded, and Beverly continued to cut out the circles of skin, glancing at Deanna’s stats, which were now flashing red, an incessant beeping coming from the wall. Beverly swallowed, trying to keep her bad thoughts at bay.

She had always been good at repressing her emotions when necessary, putting the patient first in every regard. But part of her couldn’t bear the pain of seeing Deanna, pale, breaths shallow, lying on the biobed just feet away, covered in blood. It reminded her too much of trying to save Yar, and watching her die, hearing the final beep that meant death, one of her only female friends gone forever. She swallowed again, blinking away tears.  _ Her life is in your hands. Are you going to let her die after all you and her have recently gone through?  _ Beverly rubbed her eyes, her mind whirling.  _ It’s not entirely your fault if she dies. She was the one who knowingly endangered herself. _

Beverly shook her head to herself, brushing strands of red hair away that had come loose from her ponytail. The last circle had been cut, and Beverly went back over to the body. Doctor Selar approached with the jumpstarts, and she cleared her throat. “Doctor Crusher. She has 8 minutes.” 

Beverly nodded, and she slid the neural jumpstart over Deanna’s head, the needles extending into her skin. The nurse from next to her said, “The skin graft is complete.” Beverly felt a smile break across her face, but nothing changed on her stats. 

“She’s lost too much vital energy. We still need to do this.” Her team nodded, and she powered on the jumpstart. “Begin with 70. Go.” The machine made its little bleep, and Deanna twitched, her curls bouncing around her face. The beeping still blared in Beverly’s ears like a klaxon, and she said, “80. Again.” The bleep, Deanna twitched. “90. Again.” Deanna jolted slightly harder, but nothing changed. “No, please...please…” 

“Doctor Crusher. She has 4 minutes. Do we continue?” Beverly nodded slowly, her throat thick.  _ I have to save her. _ She reached out, resting her hand on Deanna’s cheek, and instantly, a roaring wave washed over her mind.

Sickbay disappeared as she closed her eyes, a wall of subconscious flooding her every sense. It was Deanna’s voice, echoing a hundred times over in her head. **_I miss Beverly. I have to live to see Beverly. Will they save me? I couldn’t let Will die. I’m alone. Why is he touching me? Get off me. Data. They’re here. I can kiss her for real again. It hurts._** Beverly felt tears slipping down her cheeks as the emotions came. Guilt, crashing over her in waves. **_It’s my fault if I die._** Sadness, fear, longing, aches of pain, all of it swirled around Beverly’s head. She gasped, breathing harder as she failed to stop herself from crying.

Deanna’s voice grew louder around her, screaming for help, saying  **_I’m sorry, I’m sorry,_ ** and Beverly whispered, “No.” She cleared her throat and thought,  _ Deanna, I’m here. Wake up, Dee...please. _ She wiped her eyes and smiled, her voice breaking as she said, “I’ve got you.” She tried to feel happy, calming...her head hurt slightly, a tingling at the base of her brain, and she took a deep breath. “I...miss you. Deanna Troi...I love you.” She let her fingers slide off Deanna’s cheek, and her mind suddenly quieted, her eyes opening to her team staring at her, mouths agape.

“100. Again.” Beverly’s voice cracked, and she waited. She watched as Doctor Selar moved the tick marker up to 100. She watched as the warning light flickered on the screen. She watched as the wall behind them showed the tick of her pulse dropping further. She watched as the ready button lit up. She watched as Doctor Selar pressed the button. The beep of the jumpstart went off, the shock fired, Deanna jolted….her eyelids fluttered. Beverly felt her chest warm with hope.

The beeping ceased. Deanna’s pulse was out of the danger zone. Her brain activity slowly started to increase again, and Beverly darted to the magnifier on the body bed. The graft was solid, the only signs of her injury being the bruises and dried blood. And her skin was shiny gold, but Beverly thought it looked fine. 

“Counsellor Troi is stable.” 

Beverly felt the words hit her with a rush, and she exhaled, collapsing to her knees. All the emotion, tension, fear that she had been holding, pent up inside her, released. She sobbed openly, so happy that Deanna was okay that she didn’t care what her team thought. She choked on her tears and tried to breathe, relief surrounding her like a blanket. She saw Deanna’s hand next to her and grabbed it, holding the Betazoid’s olive skin, stroking her palm lightly. “You’re safe, Dee...you’re always safe with me.” She felt a smile break on her face, and her chin wobbled as more tears spilled out. “I can’t wait until you wake.” She sniffled, curling her fingers around Deanna’s when she felt strong arms on her shoulders.

She was turned around and before she could even register who it was, those arms were enveloping her in a hug, smothering her and squeezing her tight. She exhaled, feeling the person’s heartbeat against her cheek.  _ It’s Will.  _ She saw more tears stain the red fabric of his uniform and she pulled away to meet his blue eyes, shining with tears. 

He murmured, “You saved her, you saved her...Beverly, I…thought she...” 

He choked up, and Beverly shook her head, whispering, “Will...she’s okay. Don’t cry.” 

Will sniffed and said, “Hypocrite,” and Beverly managed a wet chuckle, pulling her sweaty hair out of its ponytail. Will gazed at Deanna’s unconscious form and said, “Beverly...I’m sorry that I didn’t stop her from doing this, I should have.” Beverly swallowed.

“Will, I might have yelled at you...but it’s not your fault. They used you.” She tried to ignore the thought that surfaced again.  _ It was her fault. _ Will nodded, wiping his eyes again. “I have to get back to the bridge. Captain Picard wants you to meet with him after you get some rest.” Beverly nodded, flashing him a small smile as he left sickbay. The nurses had left to clean themselves up, leaving her alone with a fully recovered Data.

“Doctor Crusher. You have some uncanny similarities to androids that I find quite remarkable for your species.” Beverly was slightly dumbfounded at this, and couldn’t find anything to say.

“I understand the type of relationship you and Deanna are in, and I believe a normal human would have a hard time seeing someone they love in such a situation. However, you repressed those emotions like an android because it would serve your crew and save the Counsellor’s life.”

Beverly felt her eyes water again.  _ What type of relationship is this? One kiss? No official date?  _ She realized Data was standing there and said, “Thank you, Data. I...I want to be alone with Deanna, please.” Data nodded, turning on his heel to leave. 

He stopped in the doorway and said, “I must also confess, you are one of the most skilled medical professionals I have observed for your species.” Beverly blushed deeply, not sure how to receive such kind words. Data was gone, however, and she turned back towards Deanna.

She looked so small on that bed.  _ She’s always kind of small. _ Beverly giggled to herself, gazing at Deanna. Her breaths were steady, and a nurse had somehow taken the magnifier away and changed Deanna into a gown when she wasn’t looking. Now that sickbay had cleared, she felt her mind do so as well. She couldn’t get rid of the nagging annoyance that Deanna had made such a risky decision for Will. To her, it seemed like something someone would do for a lover.

And that scared her. Despite reassurances otherwise from both ends, Beverly still felt like there was chemistry between Deanna and Will. And it was probably just platonic, but Beverly was nervous about Will. She knew deep down that she probably felt this way because she loved Deanna and didn’t want to lose her.  _ Like you almost did. _ Beverly wiped her eyes and brushed Deanna’s curls off of her face. She then noticed for the first time the blood coating her fingers, and grimaced. She went into her office, grabbing her wipes and cleaning her hands.

She leaned against the doorframe, watching Deanna as she rubbed under her fingernails. Her eyeshadow and mascara had smeared and been partly removed, probably from crying and the craze of the various events. She strode over to the bed and took a fresh wipe, sliding it gently over Deanna’s closed eyes, the surface coming away streaked blue and black. She continued to softly wipe along Deanna’s face, removing makeup that had been through 2 days of hell. She smiled when Deanna’s face was clean, her olive cheeks smooth and her lips slightly parted as she breathed.

She stood, throwing away the wipes. Her eyelids felt heavy, and she looked at Deanna again. She felt conflicted, but reached a decision and moved to the replicator. “2 blankets, please.” Soft green piles appeared, and Beverly slid into the bed closest to Deanna. She folded her lab coat into a makeshift pillow, sliding her boots off and placing them on the ground. She yawned and pulled the blankets over her. The beds in sickbay weren’t the most comfortable, she realized, but she didn’t care. She let her eyes fall on Deanna again, and she laced her fingers in Deanna’s, their hands intertwined between their beds. She let her eyes close, sleep taking her away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ Darkness. _ It enveloped her, swirling around her in a chaos of subconscious voices in her head.  _ Wake up, Deanna. Deanna! Deanna, you’re safe….Deanna Troi...I love you.  _ The darkness started to recede, and Deanna opened her eyes.

She was met with a bleary view of sickbay. She blinked, clearing her eyes under the dim fluorescents. The lights were at half power, and sickbay seemed completely abandoned. As her body woke up, she felt a dull pain in her gut, a slight ache, and...tingling? Her stomach felt almost...fizzy on the inside. She realized she was in a gown, and an IV armband was on her bicep. Sickbay was quiet, and Deanna lay there, struggling to remember what happened. 

_ You were tied up in the cave.  _ She felt tears stream down her face as she remembered, remembered the torture...being shot. She sat up, trying to look at her stomach, but pain exploded all over her gut and she fell back with a groan. Sitting had felt like she was pulling herself apart, and she tried to take deep breaths to calm herself. She heard another groan to her left, and looked over.

Her heart fluttered and she felt a smile on her face seeing Beverly, asleep on a bed next to her, but stirring. She was still in uniform, and was tucked under some light green blankets. She blinked and sat up, turning towards Deanna and meeting her dark chocolate eyes. A grin broke out on her face and she immediately started to cry, taking Deanna’s hands in hers. 

“You’re awake.” Deanna nodded, feeling tears of her own stream down her face. 

“Beverly, what happened? I was so afraid…” Beverly nodded, her chin trembling.

“We managed to catch them….” she swallowed, hard, not meeting Deanna’s eyes. “We caught them torturing you, so we….” she broke off, letting more tears flow, and Deanna felt a pang of guilt. Her senses were slowly coming to, and she could get slightly dull readings from Beverly. There was relief, huge amounts of it, but also sadness, and some anger.

Beverly kissed her knuckles and said, “We gave you a skin graft from Data, so you might feel a little odd...we’re getting you a back brace so that you can stand and move, but you’re bedbound for sure for the next two days.” Deanna swallowed, feeling tears stream down her face again. She was so happy to see Beverly, and glad to be safe, but she had gotten a hole in her stomach and...she felt her stomach churn as she remembered the Ferengi touching her...her body on full display, helpless. She felt sick and didn’t say anything, the silence of sickbay filled with the brewing storm in Beverly’s feelings.

Deanna wanted to speak up, but she was unsure of what to say. She had thought about seeing Beverly every moment of being with the Ferengi, and now that she was here...something felt wrong. 

“Deanna. Why did you go to them?” Beverly whispered, her voice trembling. Deanna flinched slightly, feeling the anger and jealousy hidden in the undertones of her readings. 

“They were torturing Will…” Deanna didn’t want to explain herself again. She knew what she had done was wrong, and she didn’t need people to constantly tell her she had done something stupid. 

“Yes, but doesn’t sacrificing yourself seem a bit over the top?”  _ What are you doing? She just woke up from a near-death experience. _ But if apathy had taken her over during the procedure, it was far from that situation now. Beverly couldn’t place why, but as she saw the sharp sting her words were having on Deanna, she felt a simultaneous clash of guilt and satisfaction, as if Deanna would learn a lesson.

Deanna opened her mouth and closed it again in shock. “They were going to kill him!” 

“You had no way of knowing that! And you nearly went and died yourself! Will is a capable man, he is strong enough to handle himself.” Beverly leaned forward, her eyes wet.  _ Stop. Stop, you’re making it worse. _

“Beverly...you don’t understand.” Deanna didn’t know how to explain that she could tell. Betazoid readings fluctuate with the individual, and much of it was unknown to science. She didn’t know how to voice to Beverly how she could tell his emotions were fading. How she could tell he was dying because their chemistry had been so intense, and she still had some kind of bond with him.

“I guess I don’t, seeing as you left me without a word.” Beverly knew she had screwed up, and took a breath to apologize when Deanna muttered,

“Well, sorry I didn’t think about someone I’ve kissed once when I had Will’s life in balance.”

Beverly looked like she had been slapped, and she said, “So that’s what I mean to you?” Deanna shook her head, regret filling her, but Beverly stood angrily, her normally stoic face a mask of frustration. “You’re bedbound for two days. Nurses will come by to refill your IV and help you with your needs.” Beverly turned on her heel and stormed out of sickbay, her vision tunnelling as she made her way to the turbolift.

Deanna lay in sickbay, tears trickling down her face. She was shocked. She had never pegged Beverly to be someone who would assign blame in a situation like this. _You did scare her. You only said you were sorry, nothing more._ _But you still apologized! And you ended up saving Will. And she doesn’t know you spent the whole time wanting to be in her arms again._ Deanna sniffled and wiped her eyes. She had regretted instantly snapping at Beverly, but Beverly wasn’t exactly feeling open to forgiveness at the moment. She felt pangs of guilt again, knowing that Beverly was driven to anger from her sadness and fear. _Still, that gives her no right to yell at you._

_ And your kiss meant more to you than that. _ Deanna took a deep breath. When she and Beverly had kissed, it had made her heart race faster than she had ever felt. Beverly caused her to tingle all over, and made her feel so alive...and she was gorgeous, her ginger hair in bouncy waves that Deanna loved to watch when she moved. She knew, deep down that she loved Beverly, and they needed to talk. Maybe go on a date for real, get a meal, but she couldn’t have one kiss and then have a fight like this end them. She resolved herself to talk to Beverly as soon as she was on a shift in sickbay.

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Beverly stood quietly in the turbolift, crying softly.  _ You snapped at her when she’s bedbound. And she almost died. She was looking at you like a savior, with affection...and this is what you do? Maybe you deserve it. _ Beverly shook her head, stalking into her quarters. They were empty, Wesley at classes. She felt more tears come as she thought of what Deanna had said to her about their kiss. She knew she loved Deanna, and thought the same of Deanna, but apparently it was not true.

Before she could stop herself, she ran into her bedroom and screamed. It felt good, and she screamed again, her voice cracking with anger. She hurled her lab coat at the wall, letting out another anguished yell. “Women! You...failure!” Her words were accompianied by throwing her boots against the wall, followed by chucking her tricorder at her bed frame. “Stupid, feelings, just…augh!” Her voice broke and her throat was raw as she continued to scream and yell at herself, all of her unbreakable items strewn around the room in the wake of her anger. She sunk onto her bed with a huff, feeling slightly better.

She looked around, taking in the damage. All of her uniforms and clothing were in piles on the floor, draped over her bed and on the wall from various throwing matches. Her PADD was on the floor, slightly cracked, and her communicator was laying on her pillow. A hairbrush had left a small dent in her wall. As she looked at the damages, she fell back onto her pillow, cursing when the edge of her communicator dug into her scalp. 

She surveyed all of the stuff on her floor and started to chuckle at herself, tears trickling out of her eyes. She laughed even harder at that, somewhat in disbelief. She had never lost her temper like that with anyone or about anything. The fact she had cracked her PADD and dented her wall...she laughed through her tears and thought,  _ You need to say sorry. _ The fact that Deanna could elicit such strong emotions from a person like her meant she really was someone special, besides the fact that whenever Beverly saw Deanna her heart increased to a mile a minute and she had to forcibly distract herself.

The kiss she had shared had been amazing, and Beverly would be lying if she said that she didn’t want to do it again, maybe go even further. But to trust Deanna with her heart, she had to be able to move on from this petty jealousy.  _ It’ll be okay, Bev. Just give her space, let her cool down, and approach the subject later. _ Beverly smiled to herself, the last of her tears still flowing lightly. It was a long time before she sighed grudgingly and told the computer to strike up an Irish folk tune as she began to clean the mess from her anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment, kudos, whatever is moving you right now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! here is our next chapter! sorry for the ending...hope you enjoy :)

Beverly knew that she should go to sickbay. After all, it was Deanna’s first day up and about. As CMO, it was her duty to make sure that her brace was working properly, and that she wasn’t still too weak. _And it’s your duty as a friend._ _More than a friend?_ Beverly sighed. The only way to figure out who she and Deanna were to each other was to talk to her. But Beverly wasn’t sure how she could be in the same room as Deanna without being embarrassed, or just...sad. Since their fight, she had been sulking in her quarters, relishing the rotation of the shifts. When she had to be there in sickbay yesterday for the alpha shift…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ She tried to look anywhere but Deanna. She could feel the Betazoid’s dark eyes boring into her, and she felt her cheeks flush completely as she finished system checks and patient diagnostics. The last words between the two of them had been icy, and she regretted what she had said, but did Deanna feel the same? She could probably sense everything Beverly was feeling. She turned to leave, ready to bring her system checks to Geordi. As she left, she caught Deanna’s eyes in the corner of her vision. _

_ Deanna looked away, brushing her curls out of her face. Beverly stared at her. She was beautiful, and Beverly felt familiar longing and desire tugging on her heart. She opened her mouth...nothing came out. What did she have to say? She wanted to apologize, but Deanna was staring away on purpose. She closed her mouth defeatedly and left, blinking a tear away before it could fall. _

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Beverly shook her head to herself. Deanna was feeling better. She had to put aside this yearning, this emptiness, and help her back to physical health. It was her job, and if Jean-Luc was right in saying that a relationship would interfere with her job, then she might as well not work at all. And she couldn’t let that happen.

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Deanna rubbed her eyes, exhausted. Extensive testing from Doctor Selar was far from what she wanted to be doing, especially with a line of patients she knew she had from the Florigaten incident. And then there was Beverly. After their fight, Beverly had fled sickbay, and had obviously used her authority for a shift switch--the rest of that day, Deanna saw nothing of the redhead….well, nothing physically. Her emotion readings were another thing.

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_ She was lying in sickbay, fiddling with the hem of her gown. She couldn’t sleep, thoughts and worries about Beverly, her own health, and memories...horrible memories of being touched, tortured, beaten...her gut still ached sometimes from her wound, and sometimes, flashes of pain would flare under her skin when she remembered the suffering she experienced. _

_ She sighed. Her reading skills had recovered back to normal. She wondered if anything had happened when she was unconscious--akin to a Vulcan mind meld, it happened when unconscious. Betazoids will create emotional packages showing their last feelings in case they die. She didn’t know if Beverly or one of the other doctors had received it. It depended on who touched her.  _

_ She heard the fwoosh of the door, and nurses spilled in, the nurses there leaving as the shift changed.  _

_ The nurse came over to refill her IV band and said, “You’re going to try to walk tomorrow, right?” _

_ Deanna nodded, smiling slightly. She was nervous, but not too much so. The nurse turned, and a wash of dizziness fell over Deanna’s vision, causing her head to fall back on the bed. Beverly was pacing anxiously in a turbolift. There were feelings like a tsunami: guilt, crippling guilt about something. Sadness, nervousness, anxiety, forming a swirling maelstrom. And longing, a deep desire for happiness. Beverly was wiping away tears, before the doors opened and she cleared her throat to herself, shaking her head a little. _

_ The image faded, leaving Deanna in sickbay, with no nurse aware of what happened. She was somewhat happy the visions were back, meaning that obviously their Imzadi bond was still intact, but she felt perverse, almost invasive at having seen Beverly when they were tense like this. At having a direct route into feelings that she knew she was the root of. _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna shuddered briefly at the memories, brushing her curls back as Doctor Selar approached her. She longed to see Beverly. The feelings of guilt that were pent up inside them both were overloading her senses constantly, leaving her  beleaguered and tired.

Her hopes were soon answered as Doctor Selar said, “Doctor Crusher is on her way. We both want to see if our procedure has held up.” 

Deanna nodded, managing a weak version of one of her bright smiles. She was experiencing basic readings that came from Beverly, the normal mix of duty and dedication, compassion, undertones of anxiety still thrown in. She herself was nervous for a multitude of reasons. She was nervous about the brace not working, nervous about feeling that pain again, nervous about not being able to walk, but funnily enough, the nervousness about being alone with Beverly and Selar and the nervousness about embarrassing herself took precedence, which she knew was unwise, but she couldn’t help herself.

The doors fwooshed open, and time seemed to stop. Beverly was standing there, her hair swept into a clip, her hands tucked into her lab coat, as always. Beverly’s eyes fell on her, and her cheeks pinked slightly, customary now when they saw each other. Deanna swallowed, chills running down her spine and her own cheeks reddening as she saw the effect that she had on Beverly still. 

She knew her heart was pounding, and it seemed to jump out of her chest when Beverly flashed her a smile. The readings Deanna was experiencing were drastically different. Upon seeing her, Beverly’s readings shifted from guilt and a sense of duty to longing, excitement...and shame. Deanna smiled, trying to reassure the redhead, and felt a small swell in the readings.

As Beverly went into her office to get the brace, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. She knew her angst was probably invading Deanna’s mind, but the smiles they exchanged had made her soul feel brighter, just a little. She rubbed her eyes and let out a huge sigh.  _ You need to stop tiptoeing around this. Talk to her, for God’s sake.  _ She picked up the brace from her desk. Custom measured and designed to hold Deanna up straight to keep everything mostly still while the stitches and graft healed.

Beverly really wished that Deanna would stay in bed, but one of the many things about Deanna that Beverly admired was her undying dedication to her job and her compassion, which Beverly knew could be her downfall, but also made her insufferably sweet. Beverly left her office, toying with the hem of her lab coat.

Deanna was sitting on the bed, her hair falling down her back in cascades of black. Beverly swallowed seeing the Betazoid’s bare legs, exposed under the hem of the sickbay gown. She couldn’t stop images of Deanna half naked from invading her head, and she cleared her throat, flushed with guilt. The circumstances in which she had seen such things were not the ones anyone wanted. 

Deanna felt another swell of pure desire emanate from Beverly, and she caught the redhead eyeing her legs, causing her to pull her gown down a bit. She grinned slightly, but memories tugged on her mind again and it dissipated into a small frown.

Beverly stood next to Deanna, looking down at her. Somehow, even after being attacked and beaten and operated on, she smelled wonderful. Beverly swallowed, unsure of what to say. Selar had left briefly to get her tricorder, but would be back soon.

“Deanna...I….” her voice broke, and she coughed.

“I’m sorry. I guess I just...always felt intimidated by Will.” It hurt to admit, and Beverly felt her cheeks prickle with shame. She was always trying to project as confident and cool, a woman in charge surrounded by men. To admit to anyone, even Deanna, that she doubted herself on the inside hurt a little.

Deanna smiled sadly and said, “Bev...your stubbornness will be your downfall. Will and I are over.” Beverly chuckled and Deanna continued, “I forgive you, Beverly. I want you to know that every moment I was with the Ferengi, I was thinking of you. I wanted to be in your arms again.” Beverly felt tears stinging her eyes, and she sat next to the Betazoid, pulling her gently into a hug.

She squeezed Deanna softly, and Deanna felt herself melt into Beverly’s arms. Beverly’s red hair rested on her shoulder, and the redhead smelled like Vulcan flowers. She heard the redhead sniff and say, “Deanna...I heard. I heard you.” Deanna stiffened, her heart plummeting. She didn’t know what kind of emotional baggage she placed on Beverly, but it couldn’t have been good.

“Deanna, what was that?” Deanna slid out of the hug, gazing at Beverly.

“Betazoids...prepare a sort of emotional...parcel for someone when we are unconscious, in case we…” She didn’t finish, and Beverly nodded slowly. The doors of sickbay opened, and Beverly scrambled off the bed.

“Doctor Selar. Are you ready?” Doctor Selar nodded. This was, after all, the first android to human skin graft, and they had been personally asked by Data to record Deanna’s stats and her recuperation for his research and records. And Starfleet wanted it on record too. Beverly turned back to Deanna and said, “You need to lift your gown.”

Beverly would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought of this. It had crossed her mind while they were making the brace. It stuck in her mind like glue, which she found rather irritating, due to the subject being able to read her thoughts sometimes. But the more raw side of her that she tried to temper down longed to see more of Deanna’s skin. Deanna nodded, slowly, still somewhat wary of being exposed in any way. She shifted the hem a little in the back, and Beverly smiled.

“That much is fine.” Deanna felt a shudder travel down her body all the way to her toes when she felt the doctor’s breath on her neck. Sickbay fell silent as Beverly slid the brace around Deanna’s waist. Deanna felt tingles erupt in her stomach, her face and core growing warm as Beverly’s slender fingers brushed her skin. 

Deanna felt her breaths speed up as Beverly’s breath tickled her spine, the redhead muttering to herself. 

“Just a little more...there we go…” Deanna winced as Beverly clasped the brace tightly around her, but she didn’t make a sound.  _ She’s beautiful. I want to... _ **_Beverly, sickbay is hardly the place for that sort of thing._ ** Deanna grinned as Beverly made an audible gasp behind her, before saying aloud, “Well, now you walk.” 

Deanna sighed and said, “Easier said than done.” She shifted to the edge of the bed and slid onto the floor. Her calves trembled a little, weak from lack of usage, and she winced again. Beverly was staring at her intently, and Deanna flushed, her cheeks prickling. She took a few steps. The brace held her up straight, but the way it held her hips in place made her walking stiff and uneasy.

Beverly watched Deanna take a few steps, her heart pounding with nerves. After the chaos of emotions surrounding Deanna had been somewhat lifted due to their conversation, she was worried to see if her procedure had worked. Her professional status would be affected by it, as well as the pressure she put on herself.

Deanna had almost made it to the door when the weariness hit her. She bent over to try and catch her breath, and pain ripped across her gut. She cried out, her still weak legs buckling beneath her. She stumbled sideways, losing her balance, starting to topple, her gut still stinging...arms caught her, holding her tight.

“I’ve got you, Dee...I’ve got you.” Beverly cradled the counsellor’s body in her arms, the two of them breathing heavily. Beverly found herself staring into Deanna’s eyes, and her breath hitched. The black irises were clouded with pain, and her face was still in a grimace. Beverly wished the pain would end, and remembering what she had done on the bridge, she imagined Deanna’s pain leeching away, trying to reach out with her mind. 

She shifted her hands to hold Deanna behind her back, closer to the wound. Suddenly, a rush of fiery hot pain spread through her gut, and she bit her lip as to not cry out. She managed a weak smile, helping Deanna to a standing position.

Deanna stared at Beverly, feeling her readings of pain and compassion mixing into a cesspool. The pain in her gut had ebbed away, and she knew exactly where it was going. She felt her stomach tingle knowing that Beverly had navigated this aspect of Imzadi so quickly, but then again, she was a healer.

“Beverly...you can’t keep taking my pain, you’re going to make yourself too weak..too burdened.”

“Deanna...I’ll always heal you, whenever you are sick, or beaten, or in any kind of danger. I’m a healer, and you...you deserve nothing like this to ever happen again.” Deanna didn’t know what to say. Beverly was giving her a small smile, and Deanna felt her eyes brimming with tears at her words. Her brain was chaotic, some pain still throbbing, grief, desire, readings of affection from Beverly, and she was caught up in it all. But one choice, after everything that had happened, after what Beverly had just said, seemed like a clear choice.

Beverly gazed at Deanna, her dark eyes growing wet. Before she could say anything more, Deanna stood on her tiptoes and pulled Beverly into a kiss, sliding her hands around Beverly’s waist. Beverly’s nerves stood on end, and her brain tried to stop her because Selar was there, but Deanna’s lips against hers...they felt so good, and Beverly’s chest grew warm as Deanna deepened the kiss. Her heart was pounding a mile a minute, and she sighed, content. Kissing Deanna felt...right. Kissing her felt like the sun was blazing on her skin, making her feel warm all over.

Their lips parted, and for what felt like hours, their breaths mixed in the inches between them, Deanna lost in Beverly’s gorgeous blue eyes, Beverly tucking Deanna’s curls behind her ears. Then Selar cleared her throat. Beverly stumbled back from Deanna, and Deanna’s readings were awash with shame. 

“Doctor Selar.” Beverly couldn’t find words, and Selar laughed.

“Doctor Crusher, should I end the documentation? It seems the procedure was successful, as is the brace.” Beverly sighed, a small smile appearing on her face.

“Strike the kiss, but otherwise yes. Leave it open for me to add my notes before we send it to Data and Starfleet.” Selar nodded, turning and leaving from sickbay. Beverly spun to face Deanna, causing searing pain to rip across her gut. She clenched her teeth and reached out her hand. 

Deanna clasped her fingers and said, “Beverly, I…”

Beverly placed a finger on her lips. “Deanna, stop. I know how you feel. I know how stressful these days have been. But I’m always here. Dee….will you go on a date with me? An official one?”

Deanna smiled, true joy seeping through her for the first time in a while. “Tomorrow night?” Beverly nodded, and Deanna said, “Help me walk to my quarters? I need a uniform.”

Beverly tried to protest, but Deanna linked their arms and started to walk slowly out of sickbay. “Beverly, I need to do my job. You’ve done yours.” The readings of worry faded slightly, replaced with admiration. The two slowly walked along, stopping every so often to let Deanna breathe.

Riker was walking down the hallway when he saw the two, and he could not help but smile. Beverly was whispering something to Deanna, who grinned in response. As he passed, Beverly shot him a small smile. 

Data found it curious that the Counsellor was walking around in a nightgown, but Doctor Crusher was with her. The pair were going to a turbolift, presumably to go to senior staff quarters. The two laughed at something, before Deanna grimaced with pain. Data knew that she was in capable hands.

Geordi was with his best friend, and he looked on at the two with a smile on his face. The way they looked at each other...he hadn’t gotten to see it before he went blind, but his studies of optics and eyes, and what they did under certain conditions betrayed how they must feel for each other.

Worf was stepping out of his quarters to report when he saw Beverly and Deanna walking towards Deanna's door. Deanna was wincing slightly and in a brace, but Worf was proud. She was a fierce warrior in her own way.

Deanna’s door opened, and Beverly felt her heart speed up. The last time she had been in this room...Deanna turned to her and smiled. “Wait here while I change, okay?” Beverly lowered herself to the couch, gazing at Deanna.

“I’ll put the brace on over your uniform, and show you how to do it. Your uniforms are too tight to stretch over it, but it should function fine even if it’s not on your skin.” Deanna nodded, disappearing into her room.  **_Now, Beverly, don’t be too grateful for how tight my uniforms are._ ** _ Dee, I’d rather you not use this newfound bond only to chastise me.  _ **_Well then Bev, maybe don’t spend your time honing in on your physical attraction._ ** _ Fat chance, Deanna. You’re beautiful.  _ **_As are you...Imzadi._ ** Beverly smiled, leaning into the couch when her communicator chirped.

“ _ Captain Picard to Doctor Crusher.”  _

Beverly tapped her badge and said, “Crusher here.”

“ _ Doctor, we’ve received a message from Starfleet Command for your eyes only. _ ”

Beverly was puzzled. What could they have to say? Something about the procedure? Her nerves were buzzing and she said, “Send it to Counsellor Troi’s quarters please. Crusher out.”

The computer blinked on, and the face of the Admiral appeared onscreen. He began to speak, and as his words registered in Beverly’s mind, echoing in her head, she gasped. It couldn’t be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to leave a kudos, comment, whatever moves you.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you go lovely folks! hope this is a chapter to your liking!

_ “We’d like to to offer you the position of Head of Starfleet Medical. Head of Starfleet Medical. Head of Starfleet Medical. Head..Starfleet...Head…. _

Beverly felt a hand on her shoulder. Deanna was looking down at her, brow creased with concern. Her brace was dangling from her hand, but her eyes were shining with tears as she kneeled next to Beverly. Beverly blinked, unsure of when she had sat down. How long she had been staring straight ahead, the Admiral’s words bouncing around in her head like pinballs.

Beverly felt numb. Her first instinct was to be overjoyed. She would be the youngest Head of Starfleet Medical ever, and only the second woman. This was a huge position, allowing her to witness and oversee breakthrough procedures, and make new discoveries about science and medicine.

But then sadness crashed over her in waves. She barely registered Deanna staring at her. Leave Deanna? Leave Wesley? Leave the ship that in merely a year had brought her more experience and thrill than she had ever experienced? And how could she leave Deanna after everything that had been through together? How could she fall for Deanna and then leave her forever, grounded on Earth like some spinster?

But then the nerves settled. Maybe a ship wasn’t the place for her. She had already failed to save Tasha Yar. She had nearly failed to save Deanna. She had barely managed to save the crew from the Florigatens. Maybe the stress of the ship was too much for her. Maybe grounding herself would be better.

_ But you’re cited as the most prolific surgeon in Starfleet right now. The Federation’s flagship needs you. But are you worth it? You’re struggling. _ She hated to admit it, but finding this new bond with Deanna had been the first thing to yank her chaotic bundle of nerves and channel it into good feelings.

But if she left, she couldn’t even imagine what she could do. She would have more resources, more unique cases, more study time, more interaction with other doctors on her level, instead of being head CMO of a small sickbay of nurses.

“Bev?” Deanna’s soft voice broke her out of her stupor, and she turned slowly, feeling a tear slip down her cheek. She stared at Deanna, opening her mouth and closing it again.

“I…” was the only syllable that rose in her throat before her voice died.

“Beverly, your readings are all over the place. I think..you might be in shock.” Somewhat of an understatement. Deanna had been in her new quarters, painstakingly changing as she stopped to breathe the pain in her stomach away. Suddenly, her readings were slammed with a wrecking ball of emotions. Surprise, joy, worry, guilt. And Beverly, in her head, repeating  _ Head of Starfleet Medical. _ Deanna zipped her uniform all the way up and felt tears prickle her cheeks. Beverly couldn’t leave, could she? They were on the Federation’s flagship. Who knew how long she’d be out in space while Beverly was down on Earth.

But she couldn’t hold Beverly back. This was a huge career opportunity, and Deanna knew it. But the little voice in her head, the selfish, impulsive human half didn’t want Beverly to leave. She didn’t think she’d be able to function without seeing..her Imzadi. Even before all of this, she and Beverly had grown to be quite close as friends. How could she go on? She shook her head. She didn’t know what Beverly was going to do. 

And so she found herself, kneeling next to Beverly as her emotions created a thick, confused sludge. As for Beverly herself, she couldn't find the words. 

“Beverly? Are you..going to accept?”

Beverly rubbed her eyes and said, “Deanna, I...this is huge.”

“I know. And I’m happy for you. But...I’d miss you terribly.”

“I would miss you so much, Deanna.” More tears streamed down pale cheeks. “But this...this could advance my medical and scientific abilities to new heights.”

“But Beverly, you’re already on the Federation’s most prestigious ship.”

Deanna’s words added to the forming knot of nerves in Beverly’s head, and she felt her breaths catch, getting shallower as she gasped for air. “Dee...I can’t decide this right now.” She stood, her legs a little shaky. “I have to leave.”

Deanna tried to protest. Counselling was her job! “Beverly, I can help you decide…”

But Beverly was moving, shuffling to the door. How could Deanna help her? She would be biased. And she...she had to decide this for herself. She let out a sob and turned at the door. “I’m sorry, Deanna. I need to think.”

The doors swished closed behind her with a soft  _ snick, _ and Deanna felt tears stream down her face. Beverly’s readings were still fluctuating wildly, and Deanna felt as if her head could burst. She sat down on her bed, screeching in pain when her gut protested in waves of fire. Beverly had left without showing her how to put on her brace. She slowly laid back, wincing. She still had medical leave for a week, if she so chose. 

She tried to get some sleep, to try and make the pain and everything going on with Beverly go away. She needed to give herself a break. She hated to admit it to herself: she was exhausted. But the clamor in her mind was too loud, so much worry seeping into every fiber of her nerves. She stared at her ceiling, waiting for the relief of sleep to weigh on her eyes.

She tossed and turned, readings coming and going, when dizziness hit her. In a flash, she saw a dance studio, heard music that sounded...Terran? She reached out to Beverly, but the image was snapped off quickly, as if severed by a knife. She fixed her headband on her head and sighed. She had to do something. Something to ease their pain, or to help Beverly decide, as impartially as she could of course.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly slowly sank into her bed, tears running down her face. This was the biggest decision she had ever been presented with. She felt like there were voices screaming in her head, her nana, telling her to be successful, Deanna, whispering affirmations and love, herself in the Academy, berating herself to do better, Wesley, telling her he loved her after Jack had died…

There were too many factors to weigh. Beverly felt her breath catching, her chest tight and her head dizzy. She tried to logic it through. Being Head of Starfleet Medical meant that she would be able to further medical research to help all of humanity. Staying on the ship would mean she would encounter new species and make medical discoveries other people couldn’t. Going back to Earth would mean less life-pressuring surgeries, less death on her hands. Staying on the ship would mean a life with Deanna, exploring a new love. 

Beverly felt weak, and she put her head in her hands, but nothing quelled the sensation of slight sickness. She needed something to do, something to ease the pain, something to focus her mind. She lay back on her bed, trying to take deep breaths, closing her eyes. Sleep always cleared her head. But sleep did not come. She moved restlessly, but after a while she gave up. She knew other ways of focusing, and she pulled her hair back and left her quarters.

“Initiate Program Crusher seven-nine-four.” The doors of the holodeck fwooshed open, revealing her dance studio, the sky outside dark and inky, stars dotting across it. She usually danced with the sun beaming in through the glass skylights, but decided that that wasn’t the mood. She slid off her lab coat and slipped out of her boots, putting on some simple jazz shoes. She had decided to keep her uniform on, unsure of herself. Something felt wrong about taking it off with news like this.

She felt as if the uniform grounded her to the ship, reminded her that she would always be a Doctor, no matter what she chose. “Computer, play that porridgewhore playlist.” A damaged and broken PADD discovered on an old Terran colony, containing chips and fragments of songs from the 21st century. Labelled only with “porridgewhore,” and something about a masque, it was mostly slow songs, sad ones. Beverly had asked Geordi to reconstruct it, and was glad he did. As the music of the song  _ Andromeda _ came on, Beverly started to dance.

Glide, step, turn….small hop...Beverly swayed to the soft voices of old Terran artists, trying to lose her fears in the music. Run hands through flame colored curls, stretch hands to the ceiling, curl around your stomach... The lilt of a song called  _ Blue Velvet _ filled her ears, and images of Deanna filled her head. She twisted to the music, tears running down her face. She opened her eyes and gazed at the fake stars above as her body continued to move her. She felt a tickle in her mind, maybe a presence, and she made her mind go blank, whirling in solemn solitude, her red hair fanning around her soaked cheeks. She had been there for hours, dancing, but she didn’t feel fatigued. The slight ache in her legs made the urgency of deciding ebb away, and as she imagined life without Deanna, her tears hit the hardwood floor as they flew from her cheeks.

As she pushed herself to the brink of collapse, she let images flood her head, images of staying with Deanna, images of her back on Earth, images of a crying Wesley, images of a proud Admiral, and as she considered, as her calves burned and tears leaked out of her eyes, she knew what she wanted.

The haunting melody of a Billie Eilish song ended and Beverly stopped, catching her breath. Crying and dancing at the same time was not super intelligent. She struggled to catch her breath for a second, and in the heavy silence of her studio, it was the only sound she heard until the rich accented whisper broke her thoughts.

“You are beautiful when you dance.”

Beverly turned to see a somber Deanna, leaning awkwardly against the arch, her eyes shining.

“Deanna, I..”

Deanna didn’t want to force Beverly into anything. 

“Bev...I know this is hard for you. I just want a dance, whether it’s our first or our first and last...whether or not it’s goodb…” she trailed off, and Beverly could tell she was in immense pain. A Bon Iver song started to softly play, and Beverly held out her hand.

When Deanna took Beverly’s hand, she felt sparks jumping on her skin, causing her to swallow her tears. Beverly clasped her close, her delicate fingers resting on Deanna’s hips and in her hair. The two swayed to the music, back and forth, and Deanna closed her eyes, making a small whimpering noise. Beverly noticed that her brace was haphazardly fastened around her. As the two turned, Beverly slowly worked her fingers over the brace, making small changes until it was readjusted. Deanna winced slightly, but closed her eyes as Beverly held her. Beverly was feeling pain, remorse...there was a slight bit of joy, but it was buried deep like an anglerfish in the ocean. She pressed her forehead against the redhead’s, and opened her mind further.

Beverly held Deanna against her, trying to memorize the smell of her curls, the feel of her back under her hands, the small breaths tickling her neck...Deanna pressed her head lightly on Beverly’s, and Beverly gasped. There was a tickling sensation in her head, and a small light, like a lantern in the woods.  _ I’m going. _ The words slipped out before she could stop them, except they didn’t exactly, they had revealed themselves, the truth laid bare. Neither woman dared to open their eyes, scared to see each other.

Deanna felt Beverly start to shake with sobs against her, and she let her own tears fall freely.  **_Beverly, I am happy for you. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but I know how good this is for your career._ ** _ Deanna, I wish I could stay, but I have to consider everything that would benefit me. God, I’ll miss you, I’ll message you…. _ **_But it won’t be the same._ ** _ It won’t be the same.  _ **_Well then, I suppose this is goodbye for now, Beverly Crusher._ ** _ Not yet. Stay. Stay until the last minute.  _ Deanna sighed contentedly into the studio air, and Beverly shivered as it brushed against her cheek. She opened her eyes to see Deanna’s makeup, wrecked and smeared, her lips quivering as she held on to Beverly.

The two women stayed pressed against each other as more songs faded in and out, lilting tunes that Deanna felt in high absorbency as she and Beverly both opened their minds to grief and longing. The two shifted closer in silence, their breaths mixing as Deanna curled into Beverly’s chest. 

Beverly murmured, “I wish it didn’t have to end this way.” She cradled Deanna, Deanna snuffling. Beverly held her back lightly, dipping her and gently and pulling her back up. She hated herself for leaving, but she knew she had to.

Deanna whispered, “It doesn’t have to.” She opened her eyes as Beverly did the same, gazing into deep, vibrant blue. Their breaths mixed for a second, and in the next second the two were kissing, pressed against each other as tightly as they could without hurting Deanna. Beverly felt her body heating up all over as she tasted her tears on her lips, and Deanna tasted her tears as well, some of her own starting to run down her face.

Beverly pushed into the small woman lightly, deepening the kiss and causing Deanna to shiver. Deanna broke away and started to kiss Beverly’s neck, sucking lightly on it until Beverly let out a low moan that reverberated around the space. Beverly tilted her head back and Deanna gripped the zipper of her jumpsuit, starting to pull when Beverly placed her hands on her fingers, stopping her.

Deanna glanced up and Beverly whispered, “Deanna, are you sure about this?” Deanna nodded, but Beverly continued, “Are you sure you’re not...too sad? I don’t want to take advantage, you seem…” she trailed off, leaving a heavy silence.

“Bev, don’t you want this?”

“I do, Deanna, god, I really do, but...now?”

Deanna smirked through her tears and leaned in, saying, “Something to remember me by.” She ran her hand up the inside of Beverly’s thigh, and Beverly felt her nerves light on fire, barely containing her groan as she nodded. 

“Deanna, I’ll never forget you.”

“Mmmm.” Deanna flushed as the two met again, tongues intertwining, and Deanna continued to unzip her uniform when Beverly murmured into the kiss, “Not here.” Deanna pulled away, taking in the hardwood floors.

“I suppose not.”

Beverly smiled weakly and took the Counsellor’s hand, the two leaving the holodeck with less than an inch of space between their hips and legs pressed together.

They reached Deanna’s quarters, having decided that anything involving Wesley was not a risk they wanted to take. As the doors fwooshed open, Beverly kissed Deanna into the room, the two walking backwards until Deanna hit her bed, falling back and yelping in pain. Beverly snapped away from where she was kissing Deanna’s collarbone and frowned.

Deanna was taking a deep breath when an idea hit Beverly. “Dee, just get comfortable.” Deanna slid backwards slowly until she was resting on the headboard. Beverly clambered onto the bed and slowly unzipped her jumpsuit all the way off, revealing the tight black tank top and panties combo that she wore for work. She felt herself flushing as Deanna groaned slightly, and she reached to Deanna’s brace, slowly undoing it as Deanna kissed her exposed shoulders.

Beverly felt shivers run down her spine. She had never been this intimate with a woman. Never. And now...Deanna would see her body for everything that it was. But as she saw how Deanna looked at her, her black eyes shining and the smile on her face as Beverly gently cared for her, any thoughts were banished from her mind. She slid the zipper of Deanna’s uniform down, sucking on the tops of her breasts. Deanna moaned and took off her own bra, leaving Beverly to gaze upon what she had already seen, and even in the dim light of Deanna’s quarters, they glowed with beauty.

Deanna reached for her tank top and soon, the rest of their clothing had been shed and strewn around the bed. Beverly was panting as Deanna’s fingers roamed her skin, and she said, “Just stay still, Dee. Don’t hurt yourself.” Deanna nodded, crying out as Beverly pinched her lightly, exactly where she wanted. Beverly roamed over her with lips, fingers, and tongue, and when Deanna came, she cried Beverly’s name as tears streamed down her cheeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beverly blinked awake, brushing her red tresses out of her face. She was curled protectively around Deanna, one hand resting on the curve of the Betazoid’s hip. Tears tracks had dried on Deanna’s face, and her lipstick was still smeared on her lips and neck. Beverly sighed lightly, the past burning in her head, of the two of them in bed, joined together. They had both come multiple times, crying each others names until they made love slowly, one last time, both of them crying, as their tears mixed on their lips.

Beverly felt tears prickle her eyes again and willed herself not to cry. She knew that leaving to be Head of Starfleet was the right choice for her and her career. But that couldn’t stop her from soaking up every last minute with Deanna. She rested her head on the Betazoid’s warm shoulder when a communicator beeped.

_ “Captain Picard to Doctor Crusher.” _ Beverly looked around, groaning when she realized she had to get up. She slid out of bed carefully, searching the pile of clothing until she found her uniform. 

“Crusher here.”

_ “Beverly, your shuttle is here in 5 hours. We need you at our senior staff meeting, remember?”  _

Beverly’s head spun and she said, “Um, what?”

_ “I called you last night and you said, and I quote, ‘Jean-Luc, I’m dancing. Because I’m leaving. For Head of Starfleet Medical.’ I responded with shock, and you said, ‘I’ll need the shuttle they offered.’ I couldn’t reach you the rest of the night. _

Last night was somewhat of a haze, but as Picard spoke of what he remembered, the seemingly endless hours of dancing started to become more clear. Then Picard’s first words hit her, and she realized that she only had five hours. She sighed and started to dress herself, deciding to leave Deanna asleep as long as she wanted. She didn’t want to make this any harder for herself, or for Deanna.

She pulled the zip all the way up and looked around. Deanna’s bathroom was small, a mirror with white lights glowing on her face. She found a brush choked with black hairs, and grimaced slightly as she ran it through her crimson waves. She slid back out of the bathroom and saw Deanna sitting up, yawning. Her black eyes landed on Beverly, and Beverly smiled at her olive skin peeking through the sheets.

Deanna murmured, “Bev...come back.” Beverly sighed and sat on the bed, pulling Deanna close and kissing her forehead. 

“Deanna, there’s a senior staff meeting quite soon.” Denna frowned, and Beverly stroked her cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

Deanna shook her head with a tiny smile. “Don’t be. I can’t have you feeling guilty on the job.” 

Beverly let out a small laugh and ran her fingers through her hair. “You should get cleaned up, and then I can show you how your brace works.” Deanna smiled and extended her arm, using Beverly to help her out of bed and into the shower. As she stood under the warm spray, she exhaled deeply. She realized her hands were shaking, and she bit her lip, refusing to let herself cry.  _ You have to accept she’s leaving.  _

Beverly sat on Deanna’s bed, drawing her knees up to her chest. Deanna was one thing, but now she had to decide how to say goodbye to some of her closest friends...her family at this point. She sighed, rubbing her eyes as she heard the water turn off, before Deanna walked out, a towel wrapped closely to her chest. She smiled at Deanna, and Deanna smiled back before dropping her towel and sliding carefully into her clothing while Beverly admired her.

She stood and said, “First you unhook this latch. Then, you wrap the two sides around you like so, and rehook the latch. Then you take each strap and type in the number of the support level you want. Selar will send you your support schedule until the brace is due to come off.” 

Deanna nodded as Beverly secured the brace around her waist, and then she held her hand saying, “To the ready room, Madam.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The crew looked expectantly at Captain Picard, who turned as Beverly came in. Beverly helped Deanna into her seat and then cleared her throat. Everyone was watching her, their eyes like laser sights pinned on her. She took a deep breath, her throat seizing, and she said, “I was offered the position of Head of Starfleet Medical. I….accepted, and my shuttle is arriving in about five hours.” There were looks of shock on everyone’s face, except of course Data’s.

“O-Oh,” murmured Riker, his face drawn into a frown. “You felt like one of us.” Beverly nodded, but tears didn’t come. She supposed she didn’t want to make this harder. Riker got up and drew her into one of his smother hugs, and she smiled, her cheek pressed against his chest. 

Geordi went up to her and hugged her also, saying, “Well Doc, you had a great run. You saved me from that virus.” Beverly chuckled and patted his back.

Data stood and stuck out his hand, which Beverly shook. “Doctor Crusher. Thank you for your service.” Beverly felt like tearing up seeing Data frown to himself, looking as if he wanted to say something more.

Worf also offered a handshake, saying, “You leave with my honor.” Beverly smiled, and stretched out her arms, but Worf balked. “Klingons do not hug.” She laughed, and then turned to the other filled chair. Wesley Crusher was sitting in some kind of a stupor, and she kneeled down by him. 

“Wes...baby, are you okay?” Wesley turned towards her, his mouth a small line, and Beverly swallowed.

Wes coughed and said, “You can’t go. You can’t leave me, you’re all I have, and besides, you can be on a ship and ships have aliens and you can help me with my work. Besides, you’ll be all lonely and Starfleet Command is stupid and boring and-”

“Shut up Wesley,” demanded a voice over Beverly’s head, and she looked up sternly. While she was devastated by Wesley’s words and by having to leave him, Picard had no right!

“Shut up, Wesley?” She asked, her voice dangerously cool. Deanna flinched hearing the edge in her voice. Her readings seethed at Picard.

“And besides, aren’t you in love with the Captain? Why are you leaving all your best friends for something-”

“Shut up, Wesley!” She snapped, and then she covered her mouth. “I’m sorry, Wes…” He shook his head, tears forming in his eyes, and Beverly pulled him close, whispering, “I don’t want to leave you, Wessy...I’m sorry. So sorry.” The pair rocked back and forth, Wesley in Beverly’s arms, not noticing the rest of the staff slowly clearing out behind them.

Finally, she stood and kissed Wesley’s head. His eyes were red and puffy, and her heart felt like it had been dashed to pieces, her head hurting slightly. For a split second, she didn’t want to go, and she said, “I’ll call you. I promise. Here.” She slid out of her lab coat, tossing it over him. Wesley breathed in his mother’s flowery scent, and managed a smile. Beverly kissed his head and murmured, “I have to pack.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lieutenant greeted her with a smile as she placed her luggage in the shuttle. 

“Hello, Doctor. I am Pilot Fox, and I will be taking you back to Earth.” Beverly nodded, sticking out her hand. Her cheeks felt blotchy and hot, and her stomach had been churning for the past half hour. Maybe because she realized it now became real. 

“One last goodbye,” she said, and the Lieutenant nodded. She stepped out of the shuttle, looking at the semi-circle gathered around her. She felt tears well up one more time, and wiped them away. “I just want to say….this ship gave me one of the best years of my life. I could not have asked for better co-workers, who included me and befriended me from day one, who had laughter and an off-time activity whenever I needed. And you all welcomed my son warmly, and for that I am grateful. I hate to be leaving, but I will look to the stars every day and think of you.” That part was directed at Deanna, and the brunette smiled softly, a small amount of red coloring her cheeks. “I will miss you all. Thank you for your service.” She went around the circle, exchanging quick hugs before she found herself standing in front of Deanna.

Deanna could sense feelings of anticipation, compassion, nervousness, joy, and some shame, noticing Beverly glancing around them. She smiled, trying to reassure the redhead, and Beverly whispered, “Deanna…” her voice cracked, and Deanna reached out to wipe away the tear trickling down her cheek. Beverly leaned in, capturing her lips in a deep kiss. 

Deanna smiled, twining her hands into the thick red locks, pressing her body against Beverly as she kissed her back with everything she had. They could hear gasps from the senior staff, but they stayed locked in their embrace, tasting each other’s tears one last time. 

Wesley was shocked, but as the kiss continued, he yelled, “Get a room, Mom!” which elicited a small punch from Riker and a dismissive wave from Beverly, who started to blush profusely.    
  


Their lips parted with a small smooching sound, and Beverly murmured, “I love you. I will see you in the stars, and I know...I know I’ll find you again.” Deanna chuckled wetly and kissed her cheek.

“Take it easy, Bev. I...love you too.” Beverly turned to Wesley, who had a small grin, and said, “Be nice to the Captain, Wessy. Work hard, but make sure you make friends.” Wesley rolled his eyes, but he squeezed his mother as tight as he could. When he whispered, “I’m happy for you and Deanna,” Beverly felt a tear forming and blinked it away. She stepped up to the shuttle, turning for one last wave. And as her shuttle left the bay, Deanna watched her red hair through the glass until it was swallowed by darkness and stars. Oceans of stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no, this is not the end. but it seems to be. but it is not.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my goodness. this has been my first fanfic this long, and i can't believe it's over. i'm so so sad, but i thank you all for sticking with it! check back at the end to find out more about the future!

Kate paced in the shuttle, her mind and heart racing. She had been recommended for the USS Enterprise! She would get to meet her hero, Jean-Luc Picard. She remembered him from their Starfleet days, a reckless, handsome Frenchman who did what he liked yet still seemed to get top grades. He had inspired her to be great after he was promoted to youngest Captain starfleet had ever had.

But something had gone wrong for her. She had shut herself away in her studies, pushing herself almost to her breaking limit. And she was sent to the USS Repulse. She had to break up with Kyle Riker, her first real boyfriend, and serve on a small ship with an even smaller minded crew. And now? The flagship! Kate thought she could burst with excitement, but she reminded herself she had to keep her cool.

_ Picard wants a bridge of responsible officers. Don’t ogle him. _ Still, she could feel her stomach start to flop with anticipation as the shuttle landed in the docking bay, softly touching ground. She knew that Picard had asked for her to take a transporter, but she couldn’t stand them. Too much could go wrong, and if there was anything Kate Pulaski liked, it was control.

The door opened, and Kate took a deep breath and wiped her hands on her uniform before stepping out into the bright lights of the docking bay. At the bottom of the ramp stood an impressively tall man with a sleek black beard, and a pretty, stout woman with a cascade of curls about the same degree of black. She found it funny that the two of them, so different in height, should be the greeting party, but the smile faded slightly as she realized the Captain was not there to greet her.

She pursed her lips and strode up to the man, sticking out her hand and firmly shaking his. He looked wary, but Kate expected that when welcoming a new CMO. She said, “I thought I would be met by Picard.”

“ _ Captain  _ Picard is busy on the bridge at the moment,” the man said with a cool voice. “My name is Commander William T. Riker.” She felt her chest seize with fear and tried to stop a blush from reaching her cheeks.

“Riker?” She repeated, trying to keep her voice normal.  _ Don’t betray yourself with emotions. Keep your head on, Katherine. Riker is fairly common...he might not be Kyle’s. _

“Yes, why?” She shrugged and said, “It just...sounds familiar. I am Chief Medical Officer Kate Pulaski.”

Deanna stood solemnly through all this, trying to look calm. She knew it was her duty to be accepting of the new doctor, as Picard had made it explicitly clear. But Pulaski’s readings had started full of excitement, and as soon as she had seen they were without the Captain, they had surged to disappointment, which she found quite insulting.

And then, when she and Riker had exchanged introductions, she had felt surges of shame, fear, and nervousness. She couldn’t stop herself from cracking a smile, and when Pulaski turned to her, she was glad she could disguise it as a welcoming smile.

She took Pulaski’s hand, noticing with a slight frown that Pulaski was gripping her hand too hard, probably from stress starting to creep in. “I am Counsellor Deanna Troi. It is a pleasure to welcome you to our ship.” The necessary decorum.

Kate glanced at the brace the short woman was wearing. It was...fascinating! Braces and casts had been done away with once medicine had progressed far enough, and she had never seen something like this before. Metal looking sheaves wrapped around her side, but they seemed to stretch to adjust with the woman’s shifts in movement. After she had introduced herself, Kate said, “I hope you don’t mind, but can I look at your brace?” Deanna made a non-committal shrug, and Kate kneeled down by her hip.

“Fascinating,” she murmured to herself. There were straps that had small screens displaying numbers. Each strap had a transparent tubing that had a thick metal rod on the inside. “How does this work?”

Deanna sighed, but rattled off the spiel that Beverly and Geord had delivered to her multiple times. “Each tube has a metal rod inside. Data added some of his neural networks and connected them to the brace program, so they can move independently. I set a number I choose, and the metal expands to that amount to put more weight and pressure on my back to hold me upright.”

Kate gazed at the machine in awe. She knew this had to be one of a kind, a type of brace that had never been invented before. “And who is this Data that made the brace?”

“Oh, he’s an android. He’s our second officer.”

Kate balked, staring up at her. “You let an emotionless...thing care for you personally? Or as personally as a machine can get.” Deanna was shocked. Anger boiled in her blood, and she knew her cheeks were flushing. Riker was gritting his teeth, and she placed a hand on his chest as she said, “Data is a perfectly capable officer that I would trust with my life.”

Kate made a small hmph noise and looked back at the brace. “This is splendid technology. If you don’t mind, what happened to you? This is cutting-edge, probably for a big wound, right?” She ran her fingers over the tubing, enthralled, and Deanna stepped away from her touch. The woman’s hand on her hip was too much, too soon. Beverly had been gone for barely 2 days. And this woman, in 5 minutes, had managed to insult her and Data, ask personal questions, and half introduce herself.

She started to feel somewhat hot, and said, “If you’ll excuse me.” She couldn’t help the cold edge of her voice snapping, and she turned on her heel and turned into the hall, where she leaned against the wall and took deep breaths.  _ You’ll be okay. _ Beverly had sent a call schedule-every Tuesday, 1700 ship time. Deanna was getting used to it. The first day, she had cried, and Picard had given her leave for the day. Now, she was back, and determined to make it work. 

She would do her job, help the ship and the safety of others like Beverly loved to do, had inspired her to do. She would call Beverly when she could. She would be the officer she needed to be. And she would  _ not  _ spend  _ every  _ second thinking of Beverly. Maybe just some of them. She took another deep breath when she heard the pair approaching the door, and she plastered her winning smile on her face.

“Will, how about you return to the bridge? I can show Kate around.” 

“It’s Doctor Pulaski.” Deanna smiled again and nodded, waving at Kate to follow her. She led the way to sickbay, talking about her various responsibilities to the ship. She could feel Kate’s anticipation mounting, and she smiled in spite of herself. Kate really loved her job, and was happy to serve on the ship. They reached Ten Forward, and Kate drew breath at the sprawling bar and restaurant.

She had never seen anything like this, and she didn’t really have any duties she needed to fulfill. “Deanna, I think I’ll stay here for a while.” Kate frowned when she noticed the Counsellor visibly relax, her face instantly softening as she waved and hustled as quickly as her brace would allow. Something about the short woman made Kate feel uncomfortable. Maybe she was uncomfortable with her new CMO, or maybe she was just in pain? Either way, Kate wasn’t inclined to like her disposition.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deanna sat in her quarters, reading as much as she could from her PADD. She found herself glancing up, expecting Beverly to come in from her shift, to sigh and kiss her. She shifted in bed, wincing slightly. The words on the book’s page were eluding her, probably because she knew that Beverly was calling soon.  _ Maybe that’s why you keep imagining her with you. _

The chime rang from her computer, and she accepted, feeling a huge grin break over her face when she saw Beverly on the other side, her red hair pulled back into a plait. Beverly smiled as well, and she said, “Dee! God, it’s good to see your face. I’m so sorry that I cancelled our first 3 calls.

That's how long it had been. One month. A month, probably the craziest month of her life. So much burbled at the surface of her tongue, and she wasn’t sure how to proceed. Beverly started to frown, seeing Deanna’s concerns, when the words fell from her lips in a rush. 

“Beverly, I had...I had a child.” She swallowed, the words sticking in her throat. Pulaski had barraged her with abortion questions after finding out the origin was alien. And while she protested she was half alien, Pulaski was disgruntled at best.

Beverly gasped, and she grinned, saying, “Dee, congrats! Can I see them? You look gorgeous for having been pregnant. Is it Will’s?” Deanna shook her head, her lip trembling.

“Bev...it was an alien. The...the boy passed away. I didn’t want a child this way. Honestly, after everything, I…” **_I imagined having one with you._** Beverly gasped slightly, her cheeks reddening. She said, “Oh no, Deanna...I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there. I wish…” she trailed off too, but her mind betrayed her. _I wish I could have been here, to hold your hand through it all._

“His name was Ian. He was wonderful…” Her head fell to her hands, and Beverly watched in shock as Deanna sobbed over her dead child. “Deanna, I can’t believe how painful that must have been. I want you to know that I’ll always be here.” Deanna didn’t quite agree, but she chose to stay silent. 

She wiped her eyes and said, “You’ll love this-the birth was painless.” Beverly pouted, brushing her hair out of her face.

“Of course you get that, while Wesley practically ripped me apart. Speaking of, how is my boy?” The two fell into their natural conversation, laughing until their sides hurt, occasional thoughts being caught by each other by an Imzadi bond that Deanna knew would fade fast if they called this irregularly. Soon, however, Beverly tucked her hair behind her ear, clearing her throat.

“I...I have to go, but it was wonderful to see you.” Deanna nodded, her heart sinking. 

“You too, Beverly. I-” She stopped, and the silence between them hung in the air, thick as a thundercloud. 

“See you next week, Dee.” Deanna nodded, and the chime at her door occurred just as Beverly shut off her monitor.

“Come in,” she called. She turned, getting out of her seat carefully to see Kate Pulaski enter her quarters.

Kate knew she had to talk to Deanna. She wanted to sort out the tension, as she believed that a Counsellor and a CMO should work in tandem. She still felt that awkward, bristly tension between them, and she wanted to resolve it. There weren’t many other women on board she felt she could talk to. Deanna was the only female officer, and she didn’t think she had time to meet the civilian women on the ship.

“Hello, Deanna. I just wanted to stop by and talk. I feel as if I barely know my only female coworker!” Deanna nodded, gesturing at her couch. She slowly lowered herself onto the couch, wincing slightly with the pain. “I know this probably is hard, but do you mind telling me about your injury? I am a doctor.”

Deanna forced a smile to appear on her face, and she said, “I was shot with a gamma weapon. Fourth degree burns, ruptured intestine.” 

Pulaski whistled low and said, “Wow, your doctor must have had serious chops.” Deanna thought of Beverly smiling at her when she woke up, how she was the first one to be there. She felt the smile ghost on her face, brightening her head with a small light.

“She was the best.” Kate saw the look in her eyes and started to feel uncomfortable, her skin prickling. Did the Counsellor think she was replacing their old CMO in more than just a job kind of way? 

“I’m sorry, I can’t help but think that you hate me for some reason, because of my position.” Deanna felt the words jab her heart. While she didn’t exactly warm to Kate, and she knew that she wasn’t the only one, she wouldn’t go as far as to say she hated her.

“No, Kate, I don’t hate you. I just…” Kate sighed, rubbing her eyes.

“Deanna, it’s okay if you’re not used to me. You’ll get there.” Hearing those words come out of Kate’s mouth made the finality of Beverly never coming back seem so heavy, and Deanna fought the urge to sob, playing nervously with her hair.

“If it’s alright, Kate, I’d like to be alone. Please.” She smiled slightly, but Kate saw it didn’t reach her eyes, which were staring at the floor. 

“Alright.” That was when Kate knew. She knew that she would never get on this woman’s good side. As the doors closed behind her, she resolved herself to reality. The two would be coworkers, nothing more. Deanna was too hung up on this old CMO, or something else had happened, but regardless, Kate could tell when people didn’t want to be her friend. She sighed to herself slightly.  _ The Enterprise isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi Bev! I’m so sorry I had to cancel twice, but I had to be a mediator on these fighting planets, and then Data had to be put on trial, and then there was a whole debacle with your son and a diplomat.”

“What did he do?” Beverly leaned forward, her lips drawn into a harsh line. Her hair fell over her face, and she looked on the verge of upsetness or anger.

“Bev, he fell in love.” Beverly registered her words and laughed, a clear, airy sound that sounded like music to Deanna. She gazed at the image of her...her...her Beverly, collecting herself before saying. “I can’t believe I missed it! He must have been so cute.” Deanna nodded, drawing her knees up to her chest as she watched Beverly talk, letting her sweet voice surround her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi Dee, sorry I had to cancel four times in a row! It’s been crazy here, people have been fleeing from these planets, claiming they were attacked by these...Borg? It’s been hectic, and some of the people...god, it’s awful, they have these implants on their faces, and they-”

“Hey, Bev, shhh. It’s alright.” Her readings were overwhelmed with stress and fear, not only from the redhead in front of her but from the crew all over the ship.

“We just encountered the Borg.” Beverly’s eyebrows raised, she leaned forward. “It was scary, Bev...but Picard handled it really well. They’re just so large, they have so many soldiers.” 

Beverly nodded, her eyes skittish. “Dee, I know this was really short, but I have to run. Next Tuesday?” Deanna barely had time to nod before the computer snapped off. They were now trying to return to the galaxy they had been flung from by Q, which was a long haul that no one was enjoying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ I won’t be able to call for a while. I have a really long shuttle flight. I’m so sorry. XOXO Bev. _

The words of Beverly’s subspace message echoed again and again in Deanna’s head as she soaked in the bath. She was crying openly, her tears mixing with the bath water. She felt as if everything around her was falling to pieces. Will had been injured, and Pulaski had barely saved him from death. She had born a son that civilians  _ still  _ dared to ask her about. Beverly was gone off the network, travelling to some new assignment. 

She cried out loud and slammed her hands against the water, watching them sink through the soap. She was fighting more with Kate, as were Picard and Will, and Kate was becoming more reclusive, holed up in sickbay or her quarters. As much as Deanna had wanted to, she didn’t click with Kate, and then she had to admit to herself that she hadn’t really tried anyway. Still, the readings of worry and isolation from Kate concerned her. Kate was somewhat like Beverly in a sense; she was stubborn enough to avoid talking about her feelings if she thought her ship and job were more important.

Thinking of that made Deanna kind of sad, and she leaned her head on the rim of the tub, her eyes heavy. She thought a year would be enough. A year to get over Beverly, which had, for the most part, worked. She didn’t cry over Beverly at night, she didn’t find herself angry when one of them had to cancel, and looking at Wesley didn’t make her sad. But her heart still ached for Beverly. It still loved her, a deep, reckless love that hurled itself against her mind.

She rubbed her eyes and felt her mind drifting off into unconsciousness. Her dreams were sparse and fleeting. She and Beverly were standing in sickbay, sneaking cheek kisses as Beverly assessed her wound. She and Kate were in the holodeck, lost in a dark forest. She was alone on a pier, staring into a dark ocean that reflected the stars.

Suddenly, a bright light flared in her head. It was like a fire burning in her head, and through it, she could see her and Beverly locked in an intimate embrace in the dance studio. She felt a tickle in her head, a fuzzy weightlessness that surrounded her with the images.

She snapped awake. The presence was still there, burning lightly. With... _ it can’t be.  _ She scrambled out of the water, splashing everywhere as she slipped slightly on her tile floor. She had never dressed faster, her heart beating out of her chest as she nearly screamed with the pain of the speed. Her gut had almost completely healed, but when she was shoving herself into a uniform at top speed, it flared again. She pushed through the pain, tears in her eyes.

She stepped out into the hall, and managed the fastest speed walk possible towards the turbolift. Her hair, she realized, was still damp, the bottom curls soaked through, and she desperately paced until she reached her destination. And then the doors opened.

Step. The doors closed, with a snick, causing the figures to turn. She stopped. She smiled, tears instantly forming in her eyes. She held her hands out, beckoning. She watched as the figure ran, streaking towards her. She watched, her stomach tingling and her cheeks flushed. She felt as lips pressed against hers, followed by hands, followed by red hair tickling her neck and cheeks. She closed her eyes, opened her mind, and, winding her fingers into deep crimson waves, she felt Imzadi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, that's all for now. i would ask you all to please subscribe to me if you enjoyed this! i have a Doctor Who/Star Trek crossover coming so very soon, so i'd love for you to be notified if you liked this! there's also a Harry Potter crossover, transgender saga, Bevanna one shots, and so much more coming, so subscribe for that all! and lastly, request any one-offs or short fics you'd like to see! thank you for sticking with me!!! :) i'm so so so grateful. <3


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